Ananda

I feel like it was yesterday that I was revising for my GCSEs, and then actually sitting for them. And here I am again revising, this time for my A-level exams with only 10 weeks to go. I feel sick to my stomach about it, like I should be spending every moment with my head in a book and my pen on paper, but I also really don’t give a shit. Or I do, but I can’t be bothered to act on it. I’m just so tired of trying. I don’t want to think about my future and stress about my life. I don’t want to worry about how one wrong move now could ruin my future. I just want to focus on now and attempt to be happy. I don’t want to work and work and work. I want to see my friends every day, and read, and paint. I want to write and get drunk and not care. I want my only stress to be about uploading a YouTube video once a month.

The problem is I am stuck in a rut. Because I am neither focusing on my present happiness, nor doing work work work. Instead, Iā€™m in this in-between where I sit in my room and cry and eat and cry and watch Netflix and eat and sleep and cry and sleep. There are days when I will write an essay for school and have a great few days with my friends, but at the end of those days I go back to my room and back to where I started. I can’t seem to escape. ♦