Some things that have been weighing me down so much that they’ve manifested at the root of my insides and created a physical pain that I feel all day, every day…in list form, of course, because finals week doesn’t allow for much free time:
1. Night terrors, coupled with my suddenly loose grip on reality, which I still can’t explain, as it happened recently and without warning. Everything is distorted in a horrible, Lynchian sort of way. The worst episode was yesterday, when I fell asleep without realizing and spent the entire time swimming in a murky gray-blackness until I woke up screaming. I might be having nightmares and forgetting them. It might be for the best. I already feel like I’m in a literal hell on earth—an unexplainable dreamscape that I just want out of immediately.
2. Finals. Try not being able to pay attention in any class for months and then having to turn in essays and sit taking tests based on material you never learned for three hours. An even better feeling, obviously, is being yelled at about this.
3. Feeling unwanted. Some things are too complicated to elaborate on, and this is one of them. It’s even worse now that I don’t have a main source of unconditional love and moral support. I try not to think about this too often, but I do, every minute of each day.
4. Displacement. I have no real home and I’m tired of moving around and I’m tired of talking to people who “might” take me in and I’m tired of where I am now. I’m just so tired of everything. ♦