Rookie Gasoline


Pour yourself a cup of coffee. Put a scoop of peppermint-stick ice cream in the mix (peppermint’s my personal favorite, but vanilla- and chocolate-based flavors work well, too). Watch it melt, stir it good, say a prayer of thanks that this exists, then consume.

Whenever there’s a commercial on TV for some, like, dulce de leche chocolate low-calorie yogurt-based personal-sized dessert, and the narrator lady is like, “SooOOoOo indulgent, inDDUUULLLGE your senses, guilt tastes so gooooOOOd,” I’m like, “Lady, you do NOT know who you’re talking to.” Because if a mini-cup of sugar-free garbage counts as the Ultimate Indulgence, you have not met me, le Professionale Hédoniste. Welcome to my lair (the kitchen), where I have cracked the code to literally the most self-indulgent beverage I can think of: black coffee with ice cream melting it. Caffeine and sugar unite to bring me to my highest self, which is my hyper self. Coffee and ice cream are what pulse through my veins (blood is for normies), so I really take this beverage experiment to heart.