You also should illustrate your point with examples and facts. If I were to talk about what I (and many others) believe to be the unjust, unlawful, and sometimes brutal treatment of minorities in the United States—specifically black men and boys—by police officers, I’d be talking about Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, and my own experiences growing up black in America.

If I’m just relaying my opinions without any facts or justifications, I’m not necessarily encouraging open-mindedness. So, to use a not at all ideological example, if I were to say cats are the coolest, I’m either provoking you into an argument, if you’re Team Dog or otherwise Team No Cat, or I’m entering “cool story, bro” territory—there’s no substance, nothing that encourages you to grapple with what I’ve said in a meaningful or constructive way. But if I say cats are the coolest because they have an innate righting reflex, they’re way existential, and my cats help soothe my anxiety, you can mull over those ideas and we can have a discussion based on the feline-based issues at hand.

3. Don’t try to diminish someone else’s emotional experience.

Not a single one of us is the sole arbiter of what is and isn’t offensive or upsetting for all humankind. You’d think that would go without saying but—sorrowfully, pitifully, weirdly—it does not. We are all different people, with different brains, so it would be impossible for me to tell a person that I’m arguing with how they should feel about or react to something that I’ve done or said. That’s just science, dude.

If someone has expressed that they’ve genuinely been hurt by something you’ve done or said, try to refrain from becoming defensive or dismissive. Part of the reason why we might try to shut down someone’s emotions is because we don’t want to see ourselves as the kind of people who cause pain or anger. After all, we’re the heroes of our own life stories, and the hero isn’t supposed to be an asshole.

But if, in an effort to defend yourself, you say, “That’s not offensive,” “Get over it,” or something like, “Well, you shouldn’t be upset,” just know that that can be really infuriating to the person you’ve clashed with. When my boyfriend does this to me, it feels like condescension—like he’s coming from a place of moral superiority and not even attempting to be empathetic. The owner of the Washington Redskins and a ton of fans think the football team’s name, which is also a disparaging term for American Indians, is A-OK. But that doesn’t mean that the name isn’t also offensive or hurtful to other people. And the team can call for as many polls as they want, there’s no majority rules when it comes to other people’s emotions.

If you actually care about this person’s feelings in the slightest, apologize without any equivocation. You should explain your original intentions if you feel that there was a misunderstanding, but don’t try to issue a ruling on the other person’s emotional reaction. You aren’t Judge Judy. (Unless you are Judge Judy, in which case, it still probably wouldn’t be appropriate to do that, your Honor.)

4. It’s OK to walk away.

Sometimes the person you’re arguing with is deeply stubborn or the opinions they’re spewing are especially odious. In these cases, state your opinion if you’re passionate about the issues being discussed—let the person know that you don’t co-sign their bullshit. But then walk away or change the subject. For instance, there’s this dude who stands in Powell Square in San Francisco with a gigantic sign that says, “No unlawful sex.” One time, I walked by him and he actually told me, specifically, “No sex.” Even though I don’t think he has a right to say anything about my life, I didn’t even engage with him. I mean, c’mon: If the guy is proselytizing, carrying a massive, moralistic sign around EVERY DAY, that’s not going to change because I call him out.

If someone is being forceful with their opinion in this way—and your own NO SEX guy might be sitting at your dinner table or in class with you; they don’t have to carry a sign to be overly aggressive with their opinions—you don’t have to engage in some prolonged debate with or try to learn anything from this person. There’s no getting through to some people. By declining to spiral into a fight with no constructive outcome, you’re respecting yourself, your time, and your precious ear holes.

***

Respectful dissent doesn’t require that you never get mad as hell or fight against the oppressive or destructive forces or institutions that might be trying to silence your community, cause, or belief. It does require that you be thoughtful about how you express that dissent and determine what the most effective and constructive approach is to dealing with conflict.

The hardest part of all this is that your compassion may not be returned. While you’re standing there listening, being all open-minded and mature and evolved, following all of the rest of these do’s and don’ts, the person you’re arguing with might be an unabashed dick. But if you want to be kind—if that’s a priority for you as a person in general—then it’s best to behave that way because doing so is important to you, and not because you think that your decency is going to be or should be reciprocated or rewarded.

That being said, sometimes the sensitivity that you show to others is returned. As I mentioned, there obviously is no guarantee, but people are more likely to be receptive and respectful of opposing viewpoints if they feel that the person they’re speaking to is receptive and respectful of their opinions. Just think about it: Have you ever shifted some belief that you had because some jerk steamrolled you, ignored every point you tried to make, and said you were irrational and dumb? I’m guessing (and hoping) the answer is no. The social movements that bring us closer to equality are the result of conflict—and the collaborations that result from it. When we are compassionate and open as we defend our beliefs, we’re sowing the seeds of those grand collaborations. ♦