Britney

1. The worst words I have ever heard in my entire life: “Britney, your mother passed away.” I don’t think I have to elaborate on the fact that out of every single thing anyone has ever said to me, those hit me the hardest—a sudden blow that knocked out my knees and birthed a dull ache that spread across my body in a matter of seconds.

2. I can’t remember the last time I came home and my mother was in motion, walking around, cooking, poking her head around the corner to say hi and to watch me take my shoes off; or knowing that in a few moments, I would come over to her and hug her. I can’t remember opening the door and seeing her smile or hearing her tell me that I was home early. I can’t remember the full effect of feeling her smile land on me.

3. I couldn’t even hold it together on Thanksgiving. I don’t know what I’ll do on her birthday (December 12th), on Christmas, on the 16th birthday that I was supposed to spend with her. I feel the weight of a thousand future moments that we will never share together and try not to cave in on myself. I try not to think about the fact that there are more than a thousand that we will never have together because just the idea of one is hurtful enough.

4. Everyone tells me, “You will get better but you will always feel sad.” This is not comforting, as you might imagine. All I’ve learned is that there is too much loss in the world, and that I am destined to always carry this sadness around like a ball and chain that will exist even when I am happy.

5. I am jealous of Past Me, the one whose worries were limited to staying up late and homework. I am jealous of all of my friends who can go home to their parents and talk about them with an air of carelessness, who don’t have to worry about the fact that the apartment they grew up in will be gone in less than a month, and who don’t know who their new legal guardian will be because there is no one they are content with. I am jealous of my friends who are hanging out and going on dates and don’t have to bury their best friend, the one person they could safely say they loved more than anything or anyone else.

6. I’m afraid of death, and I have been for years. Every time I think the words, The next time I see my mom, I will be dead, I get incredibly terrified, and I should probably go see someone about it because this one sentence repeats itself in my mind daily. (Another thing: What if for some reason I don’t see my mom after I die? What if I do something stupid in life and ruin all chances of that? Why should I even have to think about this? I shouldn’t.)

7. There are so many things I should say but I can’t. I don’t know anymore! I really don’t know! I don’t know! ♦