MADS

This past summer, I reunited with my long-distance boyfriend after spending about a year apart (*cue Peaches & Herb*). We started dating sporadically when I was 15 years old and he was 18, meeting up for casual makeouts in the student-body officer lounge or his Prius. We continued dating when I moved to North Carolina for my senior year, and when graduation finally came, I moved back to where he lived.I was expecting our romance to reach some sort of cinematic climax when we met again, but really I just stood in his doorway awkwardly, unsure whether to shake his hand, hug, or kiss him. (I think I wound up doing a strange combination of the three.) The next few weeks, there were times that I felt ZERO attraction, but 100 percent affection, toward him. I spent over a month trying to convince myself that I needed to stay with him because there was no logical reason why I shouldn’t be into it. (Obligation is a good reason to stay in a relationship, right? WRONG.)

I reconnected with one of my best girlfriends from high school. We started going to arcades, meditating in the mountains, and walking around parks, sometimes holding hands. During one particular hangout, she surprised me by leaning over and kissing me before we parted ways. Riding my bike home, I felt all fluttery, partly because I really liked the innocent kiss, but also because I felt really guilty. I called my boyfriend immediately.

“A. and I KISSED!!! I’M SO SORRY BUT I THINK I MIGHT BE LESBIAN OR BISEXUAL OR SOMETHING. I NEVER MEANT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN and I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO CHANGE, BUT ALSO KNOW THAT I DON’T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT OUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP!” What followed took me by surprise: My boyfriend laughed and basically told me that I was free to be with any woman I wanted, so long as I didn’t kiss another man. I find this somewhat wrong now: The fact that he was OK with me kissing women but NOT men made me feel like my boyfriend didn’t take my attraction to women seriously, which felt belittling. That being said, I did appreciate how much he understood and encouraged my sexual-identity journey, which is a journey that I think never really ends.

Since then, A. and I have remained friends, but we’ve never been able to discuss what happened in depth—I never took the time to process and communicate what I felt. I spent months in this really confusing gray area, stressing myself out over morality, sexuality, and not wanting to hurt my boyfriend. I could have saved myself so much anxiety if I had just communicated with him. For me, an essential component of relationships is to be free to talk about anything and not feel judged. Blurting out my feelings over that phone call really helped me, because afterwards, I knew my boyfriend was my ally and would understand if I ever needed space to sort things out and explore my feelings for women. It’s totally normal not to know where you land on the spectrum of sesssuality, and I find myself sliding all over the scale depending on the person/month/situation. Maybe one day I’ll be able to state a stance with certainty, but for now, I’m enjoying the exploration.

KRISTA

When I was 20, I had a fantastic boyfriend whom I loved and who was one of my best friends, but I also ~harbored~ crush-type feelings for several girls, including one very special one. My most major girl-crush at the time was a mystery to me—she smelled like incense, she had never been to a church service in her entire life, and she smoked clove cigarettes in patently inappropriate places, like restaurants, daring someone with her eyes to come and tell her to put it out. No one ever did. She casually kissed me when she felt like it, and I WORSHIPPED her, even though I suspected we would never actually date. Instead, I sensed my crush for this girl who didn’t even love me was bigger than anything I had ever felt before, and I also sensed it was a harbinger of things to come.

I tend to be a steamroller about things I want to do, and when my boyfriend didn’t, um, appreciate the idea that I might be wanting to do more than make out with other girls while he watched, I broke up with him, because I was young and free and DON’T HOLD ME DOWN OR BACK IF YOU LOVE ME. I needed to know who I was, and it turned out that who I was was a person who was sooooo queer, and sooooo happy about it. I wasn’t “bi” or “gay” or even “queer” when I was experimenting with my sexuality. I was simply me, unsure and trying things out—and having a wonderful and heartbreaking and dramatic and totally fun time doing it.

SUZY

I’m going to omit any personal anecdotes from this, out of respect for the privacy of all my partners past and present, but here are some words of encouragement from a 10-year queer:

  • Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your sexual desires are only legit when they become sexual experiences. Most people know they are straight long before they indulge in any hetero sexy time, if they ever indulge at all. Just like you already know you desire women, please understand that it doesn’t make you a fraud or a poseur if you’re happily dating a man. Your sexuality isn’t defined by whomever you happen to be dating at the moment. (See: Anna Paquin throwing down during a Larry King Now interview.)
  • Talk to your partner, if you have one, about your feelings. Do they know you’ve had feelings for other girls? Have you ever explored the topic of casually seeing other people, e.g., an open relationship? If that doesn’t seem like the right thing for both of you, that’s cool—don’t force it. Just have a talk about what levels of exploration you’d be comfortable with, if at all.
  • Should you and your partner decide it’s the right time for you to explore seeing other girls, try your best not to think of your experiences with other ladies as your scientific experiments. I know, you know: Girls rule. But it’s a bit Bummertown when what should be a mutually satisfying moment with another girl comes down to your moment of self-discovery. Many lady-loving ladies agree: Be upfront if you’re playing it super casual or non-committal. And, of course, be honest if you feel a little shy or anxious. Anyone who gets put off by any of the aforementioned things isn’t right for you anyway.
  • If you’re already in love with your boo…enjoy being in love! If it’s there for you, relish it. Be as present as you can be. You are so very lucky to have what seems like a great connection with someone. You have your whole life to experiment and try new things. Don’t sweat it if you don’t get to that one goal on your bucket list by noon of the Rest of Your Life.
  • Reach out to other queer/bi/pansexual women. There are plenty of us out there! We’re often mentoring one another on Tumblr (find your own crew by searching the bisexuality and pansexuality tags and following the conversations you find there!), dating one another, or just working through our dating woes over brunch. Some of us have romantic and sexual preferences for men, women, and/or anyone in between, and MANY of us have had the same anxieties you’ve had. Once you talk to more like-minded people, you might feel a little less disoriented…and more like yourself! ♦