Marah

Something happened to me that may have changed the course of my life. I saw a little child with one leg, walking and leaning on a stick, and then he suddenly fell to the ground and smashed his nose. Although his father was next to him, I ran to him and held his hand to help him up. His father told me that they came from one of the damaged areas in my country. The child had lost his leg as a result of being hit by missile fragments, and they came here to Damascus to seek treatment for his condition, after a lot of paperwork and bitter struggles. I came back home with so many thoughts troubling my mind. I started picturing the disabled children and young people in every street in my hometown. I felt their pain and suffering, and then there was this weird feeling of missing my town and its people. I miss it and long for it, even after I went through all the trouble to run away from it. I still can’t figure my soul out. Sometimes I feel my soul seeking its ambition, and sometimes I feel very weak and vulnerable, worn out by pain and devoid of feelings toward those I love…that’s if I still can feel love!

And for the first time I’ve started asking myself: What have I done to my town, to my people? What is my duty now that I have become aware of and responsible for my country?

I spent the whole night sleepless, and I kept seeing those images in al-Ghouta, like a constant film of suffering repeated over and over again, and then a crazy new idea that I had never thought of before hit me. The idea was to leave my field of study and move from pharmacology to learning about prosthetic limbs and physical treatment, because my country and its people are in extreme need for people working in this field.

I told my mother, and she encouraged me to quit pharmacology, as she knows I only went for it to fulfill my father’s wish. She supports my choices. I wish I could study prosthetics abroad—it would enable me to fulfill my duty to my people. Maybe if I do this, my soul will be at peace, and it may calm the restless chaos and constant worries inside me. Is it a right or wrong decision? ♦

Marah’s diary is produced in collaboration with Syria Deeply, a digital news outlet covering the Syrian crisis. It was translated from the Arabic by Mais Istanbelli.