Lots of us have felt that familiar heartstring-tug when we see someone who is clearly feeling out of it at a party where we know everyone, and we feel that tug because, hello, we have been there. But not everybody knows what to do with this feeling, especially if you’re already really comfortably ensconced in your own social group. How exactly do you include other people without making everyone feel uncomfortable? Well:

First, you spot the signs. People (especially YEWTH) tend to feel left out when they’re in or near a group of people and no one is interacting with them. There are rare exceptions who have a highly defined sense of self and love to be alone in public places, but most people don’t like to be alone when our culture dictates they should be with friends. Too vague? Think of the cafeteria at school. Society says you should be eating with your group of friends in the cafeteria. Hence, someone eating alone is quite possibly someone who is currently feeling out of it.

At a party or gathering where you already know a lot of people, body language is a big deal. It’s really easy to be caught up in your own social life, talking with your friends and having a good time in a tight little cluster, and that’s not a bad thing! But every now and again, look around at the people outside your warn ’n’ happy group. Is there someone nearby, kind of hovering on the periphery of you and your friends? Maybe shifting from foot to foot, making brief eye contact with the people who are talking, then quickly looking at the floor or scanning the room? That’s most likely a person who wants to be included, but does not know how to go about including themselves. This is where you come in, with your socially smooth moves. Such as:

Make some subtle changes. If you want to make the girl sitting alone in the cafeteria feel welcome to join you at your table, try catching her eye. When she looks up, look at her and smile. Does she look a bit surprised, then smile back? Cool, looks like she doesn’t bite and might be friendly.

To help the person hovering around your group at the party, shift your body a little bit to open the circle, making room for them to join you.

Or, go big. If you’re feeling bold, go sit with the girl in the cafeteria yourself! Believe me, when you’re feeling like a friendless loser, it is such a relief when someone comes to talk to you. You can make someone feel that relief! And maybe you’ll make a new friend who is actually completely awesome! And then good karma will come for you down the line, and someone will talk to you when you feel alone! YOU SEE HOW THIS IS A CIRCLE OF GOODNESS?

Let’s go back to the party. Some bold ways to help that shy person out: You could leave your group momentarily to introduce yourself to them, or you could try the technique my friend Jorie** swears by in this situation. (You don’t have to be friends with the person for this to work, but you do have to know their name and at least one fact about them.) I asked her to explain it to me:

JORIE: I think a great way to welcome someone into your circle is to shoot them a quick compliment. Like, you go, “Shelby, come here!” and then say to the group: “Shelby just adopted the most adorable dog.” When Shelby comes into the circle, lured by your command, you say to both Shelby and the group, “Shelby, how’s your new puppy doing?” And, BOOM, you have a new person making conversation in the group.

Isn’t that so good? You could adapt this technique for use on total strangers, too, by talking to or (sincerely!) complimenting them and then asking their name, like this: “Hey! Those are cool earrings. I haven’t met you yet. What’s your name?” So easy!

Including people does not have to be this big, obvious gesture, and it doesn’t have to be—and it really shouldn’t be—charity or pity-work. It can be little things: People’s faces light up when you catch them up quickly on what your group is talking about, so they don’t have to stand there, clueless, until the story is over. People feel warm and included when you draw them into a group by touching their arm or shoulder and gently guiding them into a tight-knit circle.

You can smile at a new person at school, introduce yourself to someone pretending to study the books in the bookcase at a party, ask a person you vaguely know if they want to grab a coffee after work or school. Hell, try just saying hi when passing someone in the halls, instead of ignoring them and looking somewhere else. Try casually sitting next to someone who’s alone at an assembly. Once in a while, pick someone to be your partner who always has to be partners with the teacher. It’s not like you’re getting married, and you don’t even need to become friends—this is just about helping others feel noticed, like they are not invisible and they have a right to be in the same room as everyone else.

Why, exactly, should we do any of this? Because that’s what most of us would like someone to do for us. I know I am pathetically grateful when someone helps me out in a social setting where I feel awkward. I try to repay my gratitude and pass the good vibes on by doing the same for someone else when I can.

You have social power when you are not the new kid at school, because you already know people there. You have social power when you have a core group of friends. You have power just by being your confident and friendly self! Use your power for good. Most people will be very, very grateful for this kindness, and they will not forget it. And it’s a rare occasion that you’ll be sorry you included someone.

You can be the person you’ve wished would come talk to you when you’ve felt awkward at a party. You can be a lot cooler than I was at 14—you can be the kind of person who says yes when someone like Jared asks you to couple-skate. It’s not like you’re getting married, and it may have taken a lot of courage for them to ask. ♦
* All names have been changed.
** Except this one.