III. Pickup Lines

Nothing is more impressive to a dude than having a few great pickup lines up your sleeve (besides maybe having a sleeve of Oreos up your sleeve). Use these lines to make your sweetheart swoon. Not, like, faint, but like…fall in love. Or something? Maybe both. Some suggestions…

…for when you’re on Twitter!

Whenever he tweets, reply with something overtly sexual. Like, if he’s tweeting a strong political opinion, reply with something flirty about his hot avatar. Or you can make it topical! If he links to a New York Times article and writes he’s “worried about the next Presidential election” just tweet back at him that you’re worried he hasn’t boned you yet. He’s probably only tweeting about world issues to impress girls anyway. Do guys even know what’s going on in the world anyway these days? When they express interest in serious political issues online, just cut in immediately to tell them exactly why they’re wrong, like any good PUA!

…for when you’re working with your lab partner!

“Accidentally” light your lab table on fire and say “You make my Buns-en…burn.” If all goes according to plan, he will become literally aflame with desire and heroically carry you out of a burning building. If he mentions any phrases like “safety hazard” or, “Why are you doing this for the third time this month? Someone get the fire extinguisher,” consider him an unworthy dork.

…for when you’re at the record store!

Quiz him about the albums he’s buying—the more esoteric/useless your questions, the better. Say he’s picking up a copy of Wire’s Pink Flag. When he invariably doesn’t know EVERY LAST DETAIL of how the band’s sound changed over the course of their career, insist he doesn’t REALLY listen to them, no matter what he says. Boys like it when girls underestimate their knowledge regarding their passions. It’s sExXy!

…for when you run into your crush at the mall!

Say, “They’re having a sale at Bath & Body Works…wanna go see how bodies…work?” If he agrees, take him to the store and give him a sensual hand massage with cinnamon bun–scented body butter.

…for when you run into him in the cafeteria!

Go up to your crush and say, “Hey, soldier, give me your lunch money or else.” When he responds, “Or else what?” reply, “’Or else we are NOT going on a date on Friday.'” Before you know it, you’ll have confused him out of money for lukewarm school fries and into a date.

…for anytime, really!

Start recording a Vine when you’re near him and say, “GO OUT WITH ME,” pause and then whisper sensually into his ear, “do it for the Vine.” The pressure of being forced to answer that question in a public, potentially viral forum will make him agree. And then you’ll have a video of him asking you out on loop forever!

IV. Dealing With Rejection

When a potential husband turns you down, feelings may POUR out of you uncontrollably, much like a rave shower head of ultimate sadness and fury. Listen, we’ve all been there: You’ve said a few sentences to a really cute boy and then, all of a sudden, he has to go “to work” or “eat lunch.” Just like that, you’ve been TOTES DUMPED FOREVER because he CLEARLY HATES YOU. That shit is hard! It’s painful when men start to date you for three minutes and then dump you. And yes, maybe they never actually said they were dating you, but like, come on, we know when a romance is serious (whenever we want it to be, regardless of whether the other person knows it) and when it’s not (a RARITY.) Sadly, rejection happens. Here’s how to cope.

1. Build a bubblegum shrine of his head in your closet. It’s not weird—it’s beautiful. You get to release your rejection feelings into a pop-culturally relevant, Hey Arnold-evoking high art piece, and you can chew all the gum you want in the process.

2. Complain about him on the internet. Take those feels to your Facebook statuses and warn others of what you’ve been through! Write a long, long, oh my god, so long post about the boys who’ve wronged you. Write about how you were so sure this guy liked you, but when you hung out, he didn’t even compliment your appreciation for Ayn Rand. So yeah, maybe people will think you’re “whining” or “blowing things out of proportion”…but who cares!

3. Friendzone him back. Did that motherf***er friendzone you? Did he throw your delicate angel self into the bucket of friends instead of future wife material? Friendzone him right back. He’ll be all, “I was never interested you” and you’ll be like, “Here’s a basket of cookies! FROM ONE GOOD BUDDY TO ANOTHER,” while snarling a little. Aggressively scrawl “LYLAB” on everything he owns. Invite him to a Friends-Only Barbecue, which isn’t a thing, but you can invent it. Eventually, he’ll accept that you really just want to be friends, but joke’s on him: you’re gonna go right back to flirting—no matter what.
Boys don’t know how good they have it. They say they want nice girls, but that’s not what they really want. They always go for dumb girls who treat them like human beings with their own tastes, preferences, and desires, instead of prey to be stalked in very calculated ways. Girls who communicate honestly instead of spending hours figuring out all the ways they can incorporate Borat quotes into conversation. If they could just see how special and dedicated you were, they’d be more appreciative. Better luck next time! ♦