One of the most common questions we’re asked here at Rookie is “How do I get boys to notice me?” Usually, we just say, “Teach them how to Dougie,” but, truly, we know this predicament is way more complicated than a simple dance maneuver! Boys are hard. Their interiors, underneath their cargo shorts and Beirut T-shirts, resemble jawbreaker candy balls. But don’t worry! We’re here to teach you how to slowly devour the boy of your choosing, layer by layer, until you can sink your teeth right into his SWEET CENTER, aka his heart. This is Maneating 101, and you’re about to become a certified foodie.
Picking up boys isn’t hard when you’re a pickup artist (or PUA), aka a master of flirtation and seduction. As two of the most knowledgeable female PUAs around, we’re here to help you trap your chosen sweetie/prey in a romantic web of deceit, trickery, and, most important, love. Most PUA guides are written by men, for men. Frankly, we’re tired of dudes getting to wear all the fedoras and hoard all the daft pickup lines. But even though we are personally laser-focused on hoodwinking cis bros into falling in love with us, this guide could easily apply to all genders. So, without further ado, we present to you Rookie’s No-Nonsense, Womansplain-tastic, Scientifically Vetted, Seriously Women Have Superior PUA Skills to Menz (We Tested This in a Lab Sponsored by AXE Body Spray) Guide to Becoming a Female Pickup Artist.
As a female pickup artist, your appearance is the first thing you need to be aware of. The way you look speaks for you before you even open your mouth, so try “peacocking,” or dressing in a particularly flashy way. Wearing a conversation piece like a #GAMERGATE T-shirt makes talking to (and possibly doing other things) (we’re talking about banging) boys way easier. Some tips on this:
1. You want your outfit to look as intriguing and delightful as you truly are inside, so only wear clothing that reminds boys of the stuff that brings them joy. To this end, a Transformers Halloween costume or upcycled cardigan made from used Cheeto bags are both pretty perfect options. As for your own personal style? You should probably just forget about it. What dude wants a girl who doesn’t dress up in the garbage strewn across his man-cave just for him?
2. Actually, just dress exactly like him. Why would a guy even be looking to date someone if they aren’t exactly like him? The day after you see him, go out and buy the exact same outfit for your next date. Show up wearing the copycat outfit, and keep doing this until your wardrobe completely mirrors his! (You should own at least one pair of steampunk goggles you can take from day to night.)
3. Blanket your body in bubble wrap and tie it all together with a bungee cord. He’ll want to touch you all night—who can resist popping this stuff? Added bonus: Bubble wrap will serve as a protective barrier against dudes who aren’t 100 percent immaculate male specimens, which are the only kind a female PUA should deign to bother with.
4. Boys are really into girls who embody natural beauty, so forgo your usual makeup routine and go for more down-to-earth alternatives—literally! Dirt is a great tool for shaping your eyebrows and contouring your cheekbones, and menstrual blood makes a great cheek stain! The more blood you can cover yourself in, the better. Your skin will shine like a glistening ruby and the pungent aroma will enthrall him, thanks to a little thing called “pheromones.” #science
5. Boys aren’t into girls who show too much skin, so just shed yours, much like a snake or a cicada—boys LOVE reptiles and bugs! Remember this PUA mantra: Making broad generalizations about his tastes = a surefire way to become his broad.
6. But SOMETIMES boys DO like when girls show skin, so just make sure you have some extra lying around. If you don’t have the flayed skins of former exes who have friendzoned you (I WILL MAKE YOU LOVE ME, BRIAN), try showing off your sexy body. Bend your elbow so the crease looks like a butt. He’ll love it! You should always assume that all men want to potentially have sex with you. If this makes a guy uncomfortable, then, LMAO, PRUDE!!!!!!! *high fives everyone on our Fantasy Football league*
7. Order a custom nameplate necklace that reads mrs[hislastname] and wear it whenever you’re near him. We highly recommend forcing romantic commitment onto an object of desire any way you can!!
II. How to Get Him to Notice You
Just “being yourself” is not going to cut it (unless “yourself” is “Cher”). You have to talk to guys, because apparently they have interests and interior lives specific to themselves as individuals? You might feel nervous about making those first moves, but these ideas will probably help.
1. Use our patented “pentagonal gaze” method, a kind of eye contact that subconsciously sets the tone for a kiss: While your target is speaking to you, look into their left eye, then their right eye, then their right elbow, then their belly button, and then their left elbow. Repeat this about 10 times, or until you feel you’ve successfully sent the message that you’re into this person’s HOT BOD. You will know this method has been successful when they lean in for a kiss and/or the ground opens up to reveal a hellmouth. Fun, flirty, and satanic!!
2. Affectionately touching someone’s hair or pulling a stray eyelash from their face is cute and all, but to let someone know you seriously like them, pull out a pair of scissors or an electric razor and start giving them a haircut on the spot. Try shaving his entire head, or even just one brow, so his dumb boy hairs won’t shed on him in the future—it’s like an extreme version of plucking off a loose hair, and boys love “extreme” things! Look at you, you’re so smart. Bonus: He’ll be impressed with how DIY you are!
3. “Neg” your crush. This is when you subtly insult a person to make them feel insecure and work to gain your approval. Sounds totally emotionally healthy, right?? Say something like, “You must be from another galaxy…human boys don’t dress like that,” or, “You’re cute, but you’d look way better without your beard,” or, “Wow they really let you into this place?” The more you make it clear that you’re not interested in them/straight-up think that they’re terrible, the more their confidence will crumble. Then you can seduce them more easily! Isn’t that just the smartest darn thing you ever did hear?
4. Make sure you don’t monopolize the conversation by only talking about yourself. If you’re nervous, a great question to fall back on is, “What was the most humiliating moment of your life? Can you describe it to me in full detail?” Then, when he’s done, be like, “You’re right—you SHOULD have been devastatingly embarrassed about that!” to show him that you’re on the same page, feelings-wise.
5. You’re going to need a partner in crime to hype you up when you go out to bag some babes, so get a reliable wingdog. (Like a wingman, but a dog.) Turn to your wingdog for guidance, bounce pickup line ideas off of them, and take cute filtered Instagram photos of them, because OMGAWD, DOGGIES ARE SO CUTE. Boys like, and are like, dogs, because dogs are “man’s best friend” or whatever. Any boy who doesn’t immediately agree and fall for your dog isn’t worth your Instagrams (and your time) anyway.
6. Send an Edible Arrangement to a class you have together to give your crush the idea that you’re in high demand. Smirk at the attached card, pretending it’s from a suitor, then flirtatiously offer him a piece of honeydew melon shaped like a daisy. If he ever considered making a move, this will jumpstart him to do it, since he’ll want to outshine the scads of fake paramours you’ve invented.