Britney

I feel like I’m disappearing, getting smaller every day.
But I look in the mirror: I’m bigger in every way.

That lyric, from a Sonic Youth song, is a reference to Karen Carpenter’s eating disorder, but every time I listen to it, I come up with a new meaning. Right now it’s about sophomore year, which just started. Every day of it so far has been a new hell. I feel as though I’m shrinking away from the sights and minds of everyone I know, but I am only getting older.

I can’t stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend, who I am apparently not best friends with anymore. Nothing helps. I sit in English class, trying to simultaneously listen to my new teacher and remember my ex telling me that she loves me, her voice playing over and over in my head until my own thoughts are clawing at my skin from the inside until I have to struggle not to scream. I don’t get it. I miss being close to her, and I think this is my brain’s way of punishing me.

Life in general feels off. Everything feels gray, for so many reasons. ♦