I think about myself a lot, more than I should. I think about my inability to write, and the terror of a blank page. I think about bad things: things that I’ve done and things other people have done. These are the things I try to suppress, but they eventually rise to the surface, usually all at once. I try to make peace with myself, knowing it won’t really make anything better in the long run, but sometimes it can be a temporary balm for my aching brain.

I’m writing this on Thursday, July 24. Tomorrow I’m going to a house show. I have never been to a house show. I do not know whose house it is; I only know one person who will be there. Sometimes during the school year, when everyone’s in town, a band from my high school or another local school will paste crude posters (usually just Sharpie on composition paper) outside a venue they’re playing over the weekend. I love these shows, even when the music isn’t the best. Teenagers from all over the city show up with fake IDs that are barely accepted (the shows are all ages, but people try to get away with ordering drinks). The mosh pits are intense, and you start recognizing regulars after a while, kids you might not have ever met otherwise. I love the electricity of those nights. But a house show feels like such a suburban thing to do, which makes it more attractive to me. It sounds much cozier than a show at a big public venue.

I’m not looking forward to school starting again on September 4. I’ll be a sophomore. Writing that out makes me realize that I’ve been writing these diaries since eighth grade. Eighth grade! That’s insane. Looking back, I’m definitely more self-aware now than I was then. I’m also not quite so pessimistic. This year, I want to be even more self-assured. I will keep my close-knit group of friends, but I want to be more open to talking to new people and welcoming more people into my life. I’ve opened myself up to new music, and the fact that I can’t get enough of Sonic Youth or the Smashing Pumpkins, bands I used to brush off, shows me that I’m capable of changing my mind and learning. I’m very attracted to the idea of growth. ♦