I have a blurry memory of that day. I was 16 and I was sad. I was sad because my dad was sick and my sister was sick too. My other sister and my best friend were far away. My ex-boyfriend had cheated on me. My grades were awful. I had just started seeing a psychiatrist who had put me on new meds.
My parents used to have a place right next to the sea. We used to go there on weekends. I liked it there. (Most of these pictures were taken there.)
On this particular night—it was Saturday—I took my pills and went to sleep. Four hours later, I was awake. I went to the window and looked out at the sea and it was so beautiful that I think I probably stood there for half an hour. My mind was half there and half somewhere else.
I was suddenly overtaken by an urge to be in the sea. I wanted to become the sea. I wanted to pour my blues into the water to help it stay blue. I went outside and sat on the sand and put my feet in the water and then my mom was there. Later, she told me that she had heard the downstairs door shut and followed me to the seashore. She asked me if I was OK and told me I should go back to the house and back to sleep. I started to cry and told her that I was fine, I was just “going home.” I told her a few more things.
Then my dad was there too. I remember not being sure if they were really there. I wasn’t even sure I was there. I remember thinking I was dead because everything I was feeling seemed like something you would feel if you were dead or dying.
I don’t remember this, but my mom says that I was crying really hard and that my dad asked me to calm down and said, “Tell me everything from the beginning.” So here it is: everything, from the beginning, that I was feeling that day.I wanted to be hugged by the sea.
I thought the sea was beautiful and I wanted to be beautiful in it, with it.
Then I was tired and I felt like I just didn’t want to try anymore.
It felt like torture.
I said, “My body hurts.”
And my dad said something like “My body hurts, too. I feel like I’m being tortured, too. Sometimes I don’t want to try anymore, either. But I do try, every day, because I have you and your mom and your sisters. I have all of these beautiful things, and I want to see them every day.”
I remember crying even harder, then I think I went to sleep.
The next morning I wasn’t sure what had happened the night before.
I didn’t want to leave my room.
Eventually I did, and I talked with my mom and dad, and everything was fine.
I was so happy they were there with me. I felt safe with them.
I think everyone should see the sea at least once in their lives.
We all deserve that. ♦
29 Comments
These are all very beautiful in their own way. Even though it’s pictures of things I’ve seen a million times before with your words they feel so fresh. I dunno this was very calming and reminded me of a time when I was ok after a period of being very much not ok. This was really nice (∪ ◡ ∪)
the sea is my favourite thing ever, so thank you for this. i think there’s something about the hugeness and uncontrollableness of it that makes me feel less important, in a good way.
This reminds me so much of when I had a nervous breakdown. I mean that in a good way – this story is perfect and horrible all at once.
These pictures are absolutely beautiful.
I’m going to go take a walk and think about this post
the sea holds a special place in my heart i know when i’m standing on the beach that to the right of me is the rest of the world and it puts things in perspective
“I wanted to become the sea. I wanted to pour my blues into the water to help it stay blue.”
This is so beautiful. I wish I could live close to the sea. Indeed, everyone should see the sea once in their lives, and snow, mountains and a really terrific sunset too.
These photographs are haunting, comforting, and beautiful. Thank you.
They’re beautiful. I remember my family going to the sea with someone, someone who’d never see the sea before. They stood for a while apart form us, just staring. It seemed strange to my 7 yr old self who saw the sea several times a year, but I’m sure I would have done the same.
I connect with this really deeply. I’ve felt like this for a while I guess… It’s just kinda lonely. I’ve tried talking to my parents about the stuff in my head but they don’t get it and sometimes it’s hard for me to articulate. They just tell me to get more sleep or pray more and I just can’t.
This is so beautiful and inspiring!
my beloved grandma died two years ago and she heve never seen the sea. i remember saying that we need to take her to he seaside every summer but there was always something more important to do and than she died and it was too late. she never complained. now everytime i’m in the seaside i feel her presence. somehow i belive she became the see. thank u for telling your story, it’s beautiful
Your story is so beautiful too.
So, so beautiful (the photographs, the writing and the sea itself.) 12, 13 and 16 are my favourites
This is so beautiful. Literally the Best Thing Ever: The sea.
The sea is something really beautiful. I don’t know why but somehow those pictures are really moving.
These pictures are gorgeous. I cannot even begin to explain how perfectly this lines up with so many of my own memories.
Also, On The Sea by Beach House
I love this photographer’s contributions, they’re always ALWAYS awe-inspiring.
I feel like this series perfectly captures the changing faces of the sea and how it reflects the emotions you view it with. She told such a beautiful, simple story. It’s like she captured every feeling I’ve ever had about my own life.
truly beautiful photos and what a heart-warming story.
Your writing and photos alike are breathtaking.
This post is beautiful-the words as well as the text. xox
Everything about this spells p-e-r-f-e-c-t.
this is so beautiful i’m crying… my grandpa is gonna see the sea for the first time!
oh yes the sea makes me feel like nothing else. it is so healing. deserted, freezing beaches are my favourite places on earth
This is very beautiful. I feel less alone somehow.
i can’t decide what it is that makes this stand out to me so much. The last photo/caption really resonates, thank you.
Photos and Writing are gorgeous really gorgeous!))
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love these