My Aunt Deb and Uncle Mitch are the best, and I love them. They love me too, which is why they’re always checking in on me, as evidenced by this recent round of emails. X Evelyn

September 29, 2013

Darling Evie,

How’s the new school year treating you? Do you like your classes? Your mother tells me your soccer team is 5–0! Holy crow! Uncle Mitch and I are coming to your next game. I can’t wait! I think I’ll even make a poster for the occasion!

Have you seen Miley Cyrus’s new video? Well! My friend Carolyn was completely scandalized by it and wouldn’t stop talking about it, so I looked at it on the YouTube, and I could only get through about a minute before I had to turn it off—she just looks so uncomfortable swinging around on that giant ball! It must have been cold up there, right? I can’t even get in my car anymore without putting the seat warmers on! Some of us just prefer our buns to be toasted, I guess! (GET IT? LOL)

Love You Bunches,
Auntie Deb
September 30

Even Steven,

Heads up, kid: Your aunt went to Jeanne’s House of Cards yesterday and came home with four giant pieces of poster board, a box of paints, and crepe paper, which she said was “for flair purposes,” whatever that means. Did you know that she was the head of the pep squad when we were in high school? She doesn’t mess around when it comes to school spirit.

I remember this one time during our junior year, when, using only Aqua Net and a comb, she was able to put her hair in the shape of our high school mascot, the Soaring Eagle. It was simultaneously rad and horrifying. It also didn’t wash out for like three weeks. She used more hairspray on that one ’do than Tommy Lee and Vince Neil went through on the entire Theatre of Pain, man. I think I still have a scratch near my eye where her “wing” clipped me while we were on a movie date. The ’80s were brutal.

She’s Got The Looks That Kill (The Ozone Layer),
October 2

Dear Evie,

We are so “stoked” (is that still a “dope” word? LOL) to come to your game tomorrow night! I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but let’s just say that we’ll be bringing a LOT of spirit with us! And by spirit, I mean school spirit, not the kind of spirit that floats around the Long Island Medium. Have you ever seen her show? She’s a riot! I think she really does talk to all of those people from the other side. And her hair is fabulous, don’t you think? I wonder what kind of hairspray she uses. Never a strand out of place!

Have you picked out a Halloween costume yet? I’m still trying to figure mine out. Mitch says he’s going as “Man Who Was Too Lazy to Dress Up” this year. Oh, boy. What a party pooper! Typical Mitch!!!

See you soon!

Rah rah sis boom bah,
Auntie Deb
October 2


Oh, it’s big. It’s like the Great Wall of Poster. The thing probably takes up the entire top bleacher. I have no idea how she did it; I think she went back to Jeanne’s and bought out their whole stock of poster board. Don’t worry, though—I convinced her it would be better to make it about the team rather than you, specifically, because of sportsmanship or whatever. Her original plan was to write “WE BELIEVE IN OUR SWEET NIECE EVE XO LOVE AUNT DEBBIE AND UNCLE MITCH FOREVER,” but now it just says “GO PANTHERS!” or something, so you’re welcome.

For Those About to Soc(cer), I Salute You,
Uncle M.
October 7

Dearest Evie,

Just wanted to tell you again how proud we are of you for scoring that goal the other night! It doesn’t matter how many goals the other team scored; yours was the only one with style! HA! I’m so glad your team liked the poster. I’m honored that you’re going to hang it up at every home game! I feel like a famous artist, like Andy Warhol or Thomas Kinkade.

Now, don’t get mad, but your mother let it slip the other night that you were seeing someone new! I’m so happy for you! Love is such a wonderful thing, and I hope your new sweetheart treats you right. You deserve nothing but the best!

Speaking of the best, I’ve finally picked out a Halloween costume: I’m going as Theresa Caputo, aka THE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM!!! Can you even stand it?! I’m going to do the hair, the nails, the tan, the whole nine yards. Not sure I’ll be able to speak to the dead, though—they don’t sell that kind of thing at Party City, LOL!
Uncle Mitch is still being stubborn about Halloween. He says he’s “not feeling it” this year. What a pooper pumpkin! Maybe you can convince him to wear something other than a T-shirt that says “Halloween Costume” on it? Honestly. How embarrassing! Any news on your costume? Can’t wait to see it. I bet it’ll be “spooktacular!” HA!

Love you lots,
Auntie Deb

P.S. What is a selfie? Can I get one at Rite-Aid?
October 10

Evie of Destruction,
I’m “not feeling” Halloween this year because it’s become way too commercial, man. I used to love zombies, but now they’re so played out. EVERYONE loves zombies—even Bill from accounting is dressing up as a “zombie accountant” for Halloween because it’s a trendy thing to do. It’s just depressing. I haven’t been this bummed since Metallica put out the Black Album.

I hear you have a new so-and-so in your life. My only advice is this: If you play Motörhead and they wince, even a little, kick them out of the car and keep driving. Life’s too short, kid.

Live to Win,
October 14

My dear Evie,

I don’t know what you said to your uncle, but suddenly he’s in the Halloween spirit again! He’s decided to go to Carolyn’s party as a SCIENTIST! He said something about creating some kind of anti-zombification vaccine as a part of his getup—who knows?! Haha. From what I know, it’s just a spray bottle filled with purple-tinted water. He says Bill from accounting’s gonna love it, for some reason. Maybe he’s into science too?

Thanks for explaining what a “selfie” is. You guys have shortcut names for everything! Self-portrait becomes “selfie,” breakfast-lunch becomes “brunch,” etc. Thank goodness you keep me updated on all the hip slang! Otherwise cool people would talk to me and I’d be all, “IDK what you mean!” (Thanks again for teaching me how to use “IDK.”)

I need a new “jam” for the gym! Any hot hits I should know about?

Love you lots,
Auntie Deb