I feel guilty right now, because my mom is really sad and I still have self-absorbed thoughts. Like whether or not the two kids from my old school that I bumped into Saturday night think I’m boring.

It’s weird that bad things happen, but there are furniture advertisements featuring a shirtless dude lying on a table with a slogan that says “We only put the best wood on our tables.” People have bad things happen to them and beautiful things happen to them, and there is still that video with two girls and a cup. People throw up. Isn’t that weird? There’s stuff all around us that doesn’t dignify humans or death or beauty. Nineties fashion was super tacky, but it was still called fashion. (Disclaimer: I have no sense of style, so the ’90s were just fine.)

At the same time, I like it this way, because I like cars and modern medicine and going to the movies in cars after I’ve taken Advil for my headache. I like microwaves and computers, and I like exploring the internet while I eat Bagel Bites. I think Bagel Bites are so delicious, but there is something off-putting about the freezer aisle in grocery stores.

I don’t know why I see the modern world this way. It’s gray and bleak and lit with fluorescent light. And somehow I find that undignified. I guess it’s just not what I want to give to my friends and family. They deserve something less clumsy, and that doesn’t smell like sewage and gasoline, even though I love the smell of gasoline. But people are clumsy and weird, and people like people. People like butts, even though butts poop and fart. And I like the modern world with all of its frozen-food aisles and dumb advertisements. And I find beauty there—even in the smell of gasoline—but sometimes it doesn’t feel right. Sometimes it doesn’t fit. ♦