Tomorrow I leave for a class trip to Paris, and I fully expect the trip to play out like the plot of either Midnight in Paris or Monte Carlo. I will either discover a way to travel back to 1920s France every night so that I can hang out with Hemingway OR I will be mistaken for an heiress and steal a vacation. One of the two will happen, I promise.

Here’s how I packed on Friday:

3-5 PM: Ran around town during rush hour to buy film, food, and toiletries last minute. Got flipped off multiple times. Decided it was everyone else’s fault because I am clearly entitled to the entire road.

5-7 PM: Decided to start packing but ultimately got distracted by watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie on YouTube. I also ate “Asian” food alone in my room. ARE YOU FASCINATED BY MY LIFE YET?

7:01: Decided that everything is mundane.

7:02: Got excited about the trip and decided that only most of everything is mundane. Played some Etta James and felt classy as hell.

7-9: Has anyone ever read Samuel Johnson’s The History of Rasselas: Prince of Abissinia? It’s about this prince and his sister, who live in the happiest place on earth (pre-Disney). They have to live in this castle where everything is provided for them on the condition that they never leave until they have to rule Abyssinia (now Ethiopia). They also have all these servants and intellectuals hanging around the castle to keep them company, but once these people enter the palace, they too can NEVER EVER EVER LEAVE. Ever. Naturally, Rasselas decides that he must leave in order to go on a grand search for happiness. it sounds like a cool premise, right? Wrongggggggggugh. In actuality the characters leave and discuss philosophy in overblown language for maybe one hundred pages. This would be fine, except for the fact that all of the characters are total brats and Johnson has really given up on conveying ideas through plot and just has his ideas talking to one another. I hate being the kid who hates books they read in lit class, but this is awful. Never read it. Do you have it? Donate it to your best philosopher friend or your favorite brat, because everyone in the book is stuck up because they are so rich that they are SRSLY TROUBLED.

9:00: Started writing an essay discussing philosophy in The History of Rasselas: Prince of Abissinia.

11:00: Realized that I actually almost like Samuel Johnson, because he’s sassy. I still don’t enjoy banter about philosophy, but I can appreciate sass and so-dumb-they’re funny chapter titles, like “The prince associates with young men of spirit and gaiety,” and “Pekuah is still remembered. The progress of sorrow.” These aren’t really that funny. The chapter titled “Imlac enters, and changes the conversation” must be a real page-turner, though.

12:30: I was mostly packed but failing to concentrate on that blasted essay.

1:30: Painted my nails and showed the essay who was boss. Sort of.

Bye guys; see you next week. When I get back I am sure I will be a CULTURED WOMAN knowledgeable in all the ways of alluring SENSUOUS FRENCH BOYS OF MY LIKING. ♦