Another way to counter the power of nostalgia is to humanize that period in your life. Go through your phone and see all the mundane stuff you screenshotted or annoying stuff in your calendar between all those now-lovey-dovey memories. Or, ask a friend to remind you of everything you were dealing with at that time that was actually hard, annoying, or just plain dull. The humbling reality of this time you’ve built up in your mind will prepare you for the next hard-but-ultimately-helpful realization…

Understand that you are both living, changing people.
I dated someone new soon after my first breakup in a misguided attempt to remind myself that love was, in fact, real!!, and then went through an even worse breakup than the first. Because of how poorly I was treated in the new relationship, I immediately started romanticizing my first ex, thinking, Well, ___ wouldn’t have done this to me!!! I started questioning the decision I made to end the first relationship even though we had been broken up for almost a year. I was anxious for months. What if we were soulmates and I had ruined the whole thing? What if you only get one Big Love and this one was mine?

I forgot that we were both real people who had changed in the time since our breakup. I needed to be reminded that the me-who-exists-right-now might not make sense with the him-who-exists-right-now. It demands less of our imaginations to dwell on the past than be open to the future, so along with indulging nostalgia, we question past decisions, harbor regrets, and remember the other person as who they were then instead of who they are now.

We can change so much in such a short amount of time. We understand that this includes personal style, taste in music, hobbies, etc. But we make an exception when we’re trying to rewrite or relive the past and want to believe that our needs and wants have not changed. If you’re entertaining the possibility of getting back together with someone, it’s easy to imagine things will go right back to how they were when they were good.

When you’re stuck questioning whether you made a mistake, remain diligent and practical. Ask yourself whether or not you and the other person would—and, more importantly, should—reconnect. You can be both nostalgic and realistic, sentimental and self-protective. It’s important to not only think about your feelings, but the other person’s feelings: Would they appreciate you reaching out to them, or would it make it harder for them, too? If you’re plaguing yourself with the but-what-if-we-were-meant-to-be question, tell a friend and set a date in the future. If you still feel the same on the previously decided date, re-evaluate and (potentially) take action. I’ve found that I usually have thoughts like those after I’ve just listened to “our song,” or finished reading old letters, which like, OK, obviously I’m going to be influenced by these reminders of a rich and full love! Those reminders are part of processing heartbreak, but they can’t control your actions. It’s normal and great to be porous and sensitive (especially in the wake of a breakup), but we can also remember that the relationship ended for a reason. That reason might bring shame, or make us feel inadequate. Now, to show you that there’s nothing to be ashamed of…

Know that everyone is going through this, too.
Our culture puts a high premium on finding your soulmate and having a perfect relationship. This can make a breakup seem like a failure rather than a healthy, normal part of life (as if staying with someone you shouldn’t be with is a sign of success). It’s all too easy to feel alone and isolated in this experience; to convince yourself that you’ve been singled out. But the tender and most unifying aspect of having love fall apart is that it isn’t just a youLet it be what it was.
In Bluets, Maggie Nelson writes that “to wish to forget how much you loved someone—and then, to actually forget—can feel, at times, like the slaughter of a beautiful bird who chose, by nothing short of grace, to make a habitat of your heart.” Ah!! My heart aches!! While it is natural—and often easier—to “wish to forget” how much you loved someone, it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. In fact, denying any sadness, rather than processing it, will feel worse in the long run.

To let go doesn’t mean throwing away the pictures, burning the love letters, and giving away the birthday gifts. Nor does it mean building a shrine of them. It means gently holding onto those things while ultimately putting them out of sight. It is in this new space, then, that you can let the relationship be what it was—no more, no less.

This moment is about learning to make peace with the fact that something beautiful and special can come to an end. When we don’t make this peace, we become jaded. As bell hooks writes in All About Love: New Visions, “Young people are cynical about love. Ultimately, cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.” Acknowledging when we are disappointed allows us to take off this mask. So does the moment when we stop dwelling on nostalgia and contend with the sides of ourselves that a breakup will expose. It’s hard work, but you’re a champ to start now, because while the first is uniquely painful, it will certainly not be the last. As David Whyte said, “you are not leaving…you are arriving.” Welcome home. ♦