Simone

1. I’m home, yet again! I’m living the life I long dreaded of a Northeast liberal arts student who seems to be ever-present in their childhood home despite the tens of thousands of dollars their education costs. My room is sad because I’ve outgrown it and now I find it quite ugly. Because I outgrew it, when I first got back, I tore down every picture I’d taped to the floral-papered walls, and some patches of wallpaper with them. We’re going to tear the rest down and paint over the drywall eventually, but for now, I’ve managed to make my room even uglier. And worse, rendered it uninspiring and sad. Dare I say jank.

2. I have to stop thinking attention is love. It’s not that I need someone who isn’t my mom or dad to love me, I’m just flattered by the possibility of it. But attention isn’t love. Not at all. Lady Bird was wrong about that. Maybe attention was love before the internet, but not anymore. For example, I’ve been hate-binging the Paul brothers’ content for days. I could tell you who their friends are, and what their fans are called, and what they did today (but not how they make so much fucking money) because I watch their videos and view their Instagram stories and read monetized articles about what terrible monetized monsters they are. But I don’t love Jake or Logan. I really really hate them, and I wonder why I give them so much attention.

3. I wonder if my friends at school are the people I should be friends with. In high school I was boisterous, sexually provocative, funny, smart, loud. At school I’m much meeker; I strongly agree to things I only feel neutral about if it contributes to conversation. I love my friends but I don’t know if I love them for existing or just existing near me. I think about transferring, and then feel selfish and stupid. I could be at a huge university and feel invisible to everyone but an abusive roommate. I could’ve spent the last semester taking core curriculum classes I loathed. Instead, I studied what I wanted, and got invited to fun parties.

4. (But really 2, revisited) I want a boyfriend! I want someone to pay attention to me AND love me.

5. (With references to 2 and 4) My family is driving me insane. I hate hearing everything my family is doing all the time. Waking up, fighting, using the bathroom, yelling for more toilet paper, shutting the bedroom door, watching something on their computer, watching something on the TV, cooking, cleaning, itching, scratching, sighing, coughing, laughing, farting, belching, excusing, scoffing, scuffing, lacing, zipping, unbuttoning. I can’t be home this summer. I can’t be back home in six weeks for spring break. I hate being reminded how acne-ridden and almost overweight I am by their snide comments and lifestyle suggestions. I hate their implications that I’m lazy and stupid during the only time I have off from school and being productive and smart. (Though, this sort of supports the Lady Bird “attention is love “ thesis–their constant observations of my misdoings are rooted in their desire for and belief in my correct doings.)

6. I’m so sick of my body. When have I ever not been sick of my body? Now it’s worse, because I’m the most restless I’ve ever been, and I can’t change my body with anything but time. Neither can I change much of anything else. It’s only because I’m impatient and bratty, but I feel so stagnant here, like I learned absolutely nothing last semester, like I’m getting older without gaining new experiences and perspectives, like I recycle feelings because I’m scared to feel new ones, like I’ve spent the past few years complaining about things I’ve made no effort to change. I WANT OUT!!! More though, I want a boyfriend.