Keianna

I’ve come to realize that I am not my changing thoughts but the observer of them. I wonder when they started controlling me to the point where no one else could get through to me. I really shouldn’t personify them but that’s how it’s felt all this time. There’s been another person feeding me thoughts to dwell on for hours or days. It got to the point where I couldn’t figure out where I begin and this person who truly hated me ends.

Needing reassurance every once and a while is nothing to be ashamed of but I needed it constantly. That temporary bandaid of “Yes, I still like you” and “No, I’m not mad at you” is what I LIVED for. It was a very unhealthy relationship to have with myself. I let my intrusive thoughts become harmful actions that hurt myself and the people I love. Everything always hurt and it was kind of my fault.

When I realized that I really struggled with this I got myself back into therapy. It was something I’ve known I needed to do for a long time but kept pushing off because as much as I love to talk, feelings can get a little awkward. I’d forgotten how safe that environment could be when you find a therapist you can trust and feel comfortable with, which I did. We decided that Cognitive behavioral therapy would be the best thing to help me with my intrusive thoughts and overthinking as well as being mindful and aware of my feelings.

So many of my feelings have been so big lately, it’s nice to have a strategy to make everything feel more contained. It’s nice to know that I jumpstarted my own route to getting better. I forgot how fun it was to be happy, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I forgot that not everything has to be a struggle. Once, I heard RuPaul say in an interview that you become addicted to your struggles. His example was being late to everything. Sometimes you hear things that make everything click and fall into place. I’m proud of myself for letting myself feel happy for once.