I’ve been feeling very strange, recently. I started feeling weird after I was on a bus, on the way home from the movie theatre. I was with my sister and as I sat down, I saw this boy with blonde curtains. It was extremely perfect timing as I had just said to my sister that no one looks like young Michael Anthony Hall anymore, and here I was staring at this blonde boy that looked just like him. As always, I got extremely nervous and stared at him for the whole bus ride, whilst listening to “Always Be My Baby” by Mariah Carey, on my iPod. When we reached the last stop, everyone got off the bus and he and his friends went outside and my sister and I went into the train station.
It’s nearly been a whole week and I can’t seem to forget about this mystery boy. The part that bothers me is that I probably won’t ever see him again (the bus I was on wasn’t near where I live, I was in the city). I was so sad about never being able to see this boy again, that I went and bought a bunch of dark eyeshadows and an almost black lipstick and walked around in my room listening to Teenage Dirtbag, whilst my sister laughed at me for being so dumb and emotional. But I feel so numb inside. The real problem is that cute boys almost always tend to ignore complicated girls because they know that us complicated girls aren’t dependant on them. We don’t necessarily need them and we can function perfectly without them and this scares them away. I guess this is an explanation for why I feel invisible whenever I’m surrounded by boys in my classes.
I’m just trying to figure out who I am, and for fate to play with my emotions by parading this cute boy in front of me and then taking him away, really hurts my heart. Who knows? He might be a racist, or he might have a girlfriend, or he might not date women. But my stupid mind has made this perfect person out of the 10-minute bus ride I’ve shared with him. He’s barely even real—I never even talked to him. But I miss him. I hope that it’s truly meant to be and in a weird twist of fate, I can end up seeing him again and ask for his Instagram or something. But until then, I’ll have to constantly wonder of what could’ve been. ♦