Cammy

I’m content. Even though my life has been changing with friends leaving for college and starting a new school, I couldn’t be happier with the way things are going right now. My only problem is my same problem of being a mega virgin but I’m really busy with school so it doesn’t matter. And I really like school. A couple of weeks ago, there were some tensions in the class, but after the general understanding that we all wanna be at school for a reason, things smoothed over. It feels good to be able to hash something out almost immediately. Anyways, I’ve been getting facials three times a week and now we’re moving on to waxing! My skin is so happy and glowy these days. And it turns out I am pretty decent at waxing! I’m pleasantly surprised that I really like doing what I’m doing so far. I don’t plan on being an esthetician for the rest of my life but I think it’s really cool to learn a trade. And there are so many ways to sort of customize your experience and path in the beauty industry. Like, I could get a massage therapy license or a lash extension certification. A lady came in and talked about how she uses crystals and spiritual energy during her services to deepen her clients’ experience. So, it’s really great that I could kinda never be bored.

On the more negative side of things, I’ve come to realize that a boy I really liked (still like) for a while actually liked me back at certain points and I was so inexperienced that I couldn’t tell he was flirting with me and I would just panic and be aloof and airy. And it just really bothers me because now I know what that looks like. Like, for a whole year, I could have had a lil sum sum but I fucked around too long and then around my birthday he started dating some girl. Or kinda dated? I don’t know, but it bothers me how much I like him because I would really be up at night wondering if she was prettier than me. I used every excuse for why he would rather be with her than me because it genuinely confused me since I AM hella pretty and nice and funny? It’s weird how I can be “conceited” but feel insecure at the same time. Every time I think this back over, I just feel stupid because I really think I had him for a moment and I just didn’t know how to act. Now it’s been almost six months since I’ve talked to him and I’m starting to feel crazy for still talking so obsessively about him. I think it wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t extremely conscious of the fact that he’s within a 15-mile radius. I know he’s here! And I know how wrong I was. And I keep getting prettier literally every day and I become more comfortable with myself every day. I’m convinced we met at a wrong time but that we have a special connection. Even being a mega virgin, I could tell the first time we looked at each other it wasn’t just a stare, it was a feeling. It felt like I knew him before in a different time. It was like I was gazing at an old friend that I hadn’t met yet in this life. It was like a cosmic reunion and I felt it, and I think he felt that too. I just think we were really on the wrong page when we met each other. And now I hope we can have another moment like that another time. But I’m busy at school, and I assume he’s busy at school too, and I don’t know where he is, and he doesn’t know where I am. They say if you love something let it go and it’ll come back and I feel like we’re just SO close to coming back. Maybe I’m too optimistic but I hope I’m not and that I’m trusting my gut, which one should always do. The rational part of me wants to move on and meet new people but when I do, my mind always wanders back to him and I compare them to him. I feel my gut wouldn’t be trying to guide me to him if he wasn’t that important to me. I hope I see him. ♦