It’s horrible to be the middle-person, but it’s also sometimes a position of understated power. You, as it were, may be the honey that will catch the flies that neither parent has yet managed to trap because they are too filled with their own vinegar when faced with one another to get anything productive done. No matter how poorly they may treat one another, I’m almost certain that they would not show you the same indignity, especially if you were appealing to them on an honest and emotional level about the toll this is taking on you. Your honest and heartfelt words about the effect this is having will definitely not be pleasant for them to hear, but may present a new, much-needed and more-productive perspective of this situation. One that probably gets obscured when they are too busy locking horns in battle and snarling at each other to consider anything else (including you and how you might be doing).

Another thing that helped me hugely and still does is to remind myself that, while my parents certainly owe me the right to speak my mind if their behavior with each other is affecting me, and need to be held accountable for this, they are simultaneously only flawed and weak human animals, hugely susceptible to the kind of stresses and mistakes that anyone else is. I can’t imagine, for instance, juvenile layabout that I am, how it must feel to be consumed with the eye-wateringly intense emotions that come from arguing with an ex. Not to mention the wholly shitty way it must feel for ANYONE to have their relationship break apart to the point where they are fighting someone they once vowed to love forever in an actual court of law, while ALSO having the added UNFATHOMABLY MASSIVE component of considering a child who’s well-being and happiness would undoubtedly be top priority. I mean, that is SUPER full on. When I fight with someone I love, I can barely string a sentence together. Going through my worst breakups, I literally forgot how to wash myself or use a stove. This kind of shit really paralyzes people, confounds them, blinds them, and makes them think and act in wild ways. It’s probably likely that they are so wrapped up in how they feel about each other that they aren’t really even CONSIDERING what it might be doing to you. They can’t see the woods for the trees, you know? They most likely feel as aggravated, distraught, and conflicted as you do. Their actions are unacceptable by virtue of the pain they are causing you, but at the same time I’m pretty sure that if they were given a choice, they wouldn’t want to be putting themselves, and DEFINITELY not you, through this either.

So that brings me back to my original point, which is: Talk to them. Appeal to the goodness, kindness, and love that you, as their child, still see and know in both of them, even if those things have disappeared for them when they look at one another. You are in this family, and you have a right to DEMAND the support that you need from them if you feel like their interpersonal drama is getting in the way of it. Also, this might be questionable advice, but I feel inclined to add that this kind of parental-beef situation is one of the only times in my erratic, over-dramatic life where it actually HAS paid off to make a bit of a scene. I’m not advising you to go nuclear on them, and I can’t stress enough the surprising effectiveness of a calm, pragmatic, and earnest approach (i.e., sitting them each down and really confiding in them about how this is making you feel). But I also think that in times like these, it might not hurt that badly to be vocal about what you expect and need from both of them, and how their current relationship is basically failing you.

You are allowed to be vulnerable. You are allowed to be frustrated and hurt and even ANGERED by the way they are treating each other in front of you. And you are definitely allowed to express that to them. Essentially, they owe it to you as your parents to support you to a standard that YOU feel is acceptable. If they are operating below that standard, let them know it. When a kid is thrown into the mix, this interpersonal situation of them fighting between themselves obviously takes on a wider dynamic. While they of course have no real choice but to hash out their beef in whatever way they are capable, it also has to understood that all THREE of you are, for better or worse, going to have to operate as a family unit. For you, for the rest of all your lives. YOU are doing the work expected of you, by adhering to your responsibilities as a person living in the world, caring about your schoolwork and college applications, and dealing with the situation you have been given. (For instance, having to constantly shuttle between their two houses is a pain in the ass, but that’s what has to be done, so you’re doing it.) They owe it to you to work just as hard as you do within the constraints of the unfortunate situation of divorce, to make life as easy as possible for everybody.

If they are not up to par, call them out. If you are struggling, make them aware. If they won’t listen, maybe even go so far as to employ others to appeal to them on behalf of your agenda, like aunts and uncles, or grandparents, or a close family friend, or even a teacher you trust enough to confide in about this. The pain you are feeling in this situation may be what actually CHANGES the situation. It could be the catalyst that is needed to show them how and why the way they are acting is just not OK. While there may be no way for you to technically “fix” the problems between the two of them, there are myriad ways for you to call attention to the fact that these problems are starting to encroach on you during an important and formative time in your life. Making that known might well be the best, or most productive, or even ONLY way for them to be snapped out of the self-centeredness that is obviously a part of their interpersonal difficulties. Wake them up to the reality that they HAVE to find a better way to function for your benefit. Frankly, you and your needs as their child should be reason and motive enough for them to reconsider the way they are treating each other. Your feelings are the wake-up call that they probably don’t even know they need. Deploy them with strength and courage and honesty, and they will most likely make a favorable impact. Good luck! ♦

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