Fatma

“If you’re expecting me to give you an apology / For being nothing that you’re used to / Well go on right ahead and wait / Hold your breath and concentrate. / Keep holding till your face turns blue.” Whenever I feel negative, I repeat these lyrics from “Do My Thing,” by Estelle and Janelle Monáe. This song has been helping me through having to go to school and being judged and made fun of.

I was in a toilet cubicle in the girls bathrooms when I overheard this group of girls from my year group talking about me. One of the girls said, “Fatma! She’s always got those earphones in, listening to her sad music.”

I mimed, “Sad music?” to myself in the cubicle, trying not to make any noise. (These girls can’t be bothered to talk to me, so how would they know what music I listen to? If only they knew that I love Jay Z and Pharrell’s songs from the early 2000s.) This scenario was one I thought only happened in movies. It was such a late 90s teen movie moment. It could’ve been a deleted scene from She’s All That. I made this joke to two girls who walk to the same bus stop as me and they found it really funny.

I remembered how Keenan Ivory Wayans said that comedy is a mask for pain. When I went home, I watched Friday to get my mind off my bad day.

The next day was worse: My friend and the boy I like were talking and play fighting while I stood next to them, playing my regular role—the quiet friend who is never the main character but is a cool girl, if people get to know her. I felt so jealous thinking about how the boy I like was ignoring me and sharing a connection with my friend. I thought that he only played like that with me. I know this sounds harsh, but I constantly wonder if, when he is being judged on Judgement Day, the angel that records everything he did while he was alive on earth will say, “He ignored this girl and flirted with many other girls. The girl wasn’t a ‘normal’ kind of girl. He tricked her and made her think he liked her.” I just hope that, at some point, he will know that I’ve liked him for so long and it’s not the average crush: I’m infatuated with him; meanwhile he sometimes doesn’t even realize I’m standing next to him.

I made my way to the bus stop that day, daydreaming as I walked. All of a sudden, I see someone next to me: It’s a girl I know, from gym class. I told her about how I watched Friday, and she said “I’ll watch it this weekend and we can talk about it on Wednesday.” It was so cool that (1) I introduced her to a film with Ice Cube in it, but most importantly (2) that she actually cared about what we were talking about, unlike my friends who wouldn’t care about the movies I like. Although life isn’t always bright, there are moments of light afforded us every once in a while as a gift for not giving up.

I know something is looking out for me and that I’m not alone. I may not have many friends, but I’m grateful for my guardian angels that are guiding me through this weird vortex that is my life. ♦