Keianna

As I sit lie in my bed typing this, a majority of my fellow seniors are on their way to prom. I know this because they’ve been posting about it on every social media platform available, and I understand that, I really do, but I’m a little bitter. For time’s sake, I will make a long, complex, and irritating story short: I was not allowed to purchase a ticket for prom. Therefore I am here, surrounded by zine material and listening to Frank Ocean’s entire discography for the third time this week. (Side note: That man is a genius.)

I came to the realization that I wouldn’t be allowed to go to prom last Friday, and to be honest, I didn’t care at first. Prom who? I don’t know her. In my mind I had gone to the only dance that I ever needed to go to in December, when I attended Kevin Abstract’s All-American Drive-In Prom. In all honestly, that was the prom dreams are made of. I had my best friends with me, there was no need for hours of preparation before, and I could have fun without worrying about having to see any of the people there at school on Monday. Not to mention, I got to see the neighborhood and Kevin Abstract FOR FREE. Paying over a hundred dollars for something that wouldn’t even begin to compare to that night seemed like a waste. Plus, I hate being the only black person on the dance floor. There I said it. I feel like everyone’s looking at me, and I have some type of standard to live up to, and I just hate it, OK?

So no, I did not instantly feel like I was missing out on something. That came later when I told my friends and some family members that I wouldn’t be going. The adults in my life were especially perplexed by my lack of concern for the matter, with a common line being, “But it’s your SENIOR prom. This is something you’re going to regret forever.” Well dang. Now that you put it that way, I just might be a little sad that I’m not going. After hearing this a couple times, the FOMO was real. So real that I had to mute the word prom on Twitter because even seeing it sent me into bouts of sadness.

This sadness, mixed with the stress that comes with the end of my final year of high school, has thrown me off this week. It hasn’t been the funnest time by a long shot, so I decided that the weekend was going to be all about self-care because I deserve it. The timing worked out perfectly because my brother is staying with my grandma for the weekend. My sisters got home very late last night and are spending the night at a friend’s tonight. A room to myself is rarer and more exciting that a blue moon. The first thing I did when I got home from school on Friday was watch Bob’s Burgers while drinking horchata. I save horchata for special occasions and days when I really need to chill out because it’s amazing. I spent the day organizing basically my entire life. Let me tell you—nothing feels better than falling asleep knowing that your life is in order.

I had to wake up way earlier than I would ever like to on a weekend morning to go to Saturday school and make up an absence. I thought about skipping it, but the fear that I might not be able to walk at graduation if I didn’t go was enough to get me out of bed. I spent the entire time watching various documentaries and trying to ration the one granola bar I brought with me so that it would last the entire four hours. When my dad picked my sisters and I up, we swung by our house so that they could get their overnight bags and I could refill my water bottle. By the way, I’ve been drinking a gallon of water a day and I’ve never felt better. I totally recommend you try it. Anyways, to keep up the theme of self-care and happiness, I treated my dad to his first meal at Chick-fil-A, which we decided to take home because it was very crowded. This was cool because I got to lay in bed and watch mermaid documentaries while I ate. Then I fell asleep for four hours. It was the longest nap I’ve ever taken in my life, and I’m still surprised at myself.

When I woke up and turned my phone on, I remembered I was missing prom. So I turned it back off and busied myself with podcasts, music, and zine making. That’s what I’m in the midst of now, and that’s probably what I’ll be doing for at least a couple more hours. I’m starting to get back into the mindset of not caring that I’m not at prom. Stressful situations just aren’t my thing. What I’m doing now is, and for the time being I know exactly what carefree feels like. ♦