Lilly

I have my typical bad habits. I bite my nails. I procrastinate on my homework sometimes—don’t we all? I tell people, repeatedly, that I will absolutely watch x show or y movie and promptly forget to do so.

But I also have what might be a fatal flaw: I hide from things that scare me, even if I want them. It doesn’t matter what they are. Sometimes they’re mundane—I’ve wanted to try a dance class for ages but I’m too scared of putting myself out there to just do it. Sometimes they’re serious—I need to submit applications for summer internships but I’m afraid, afraid of not being accepted, afraid I’ll disappoint the professors that are writing recommendations for me. So I’ll have a few productive hours and then go days without working on them, not wanting to face down reality, or something. I did the same thing during my college applications.

I’m not saying it’s rational. I’m completely aware of the repercussions of what I’m doing, but somehow that’s what keeps me away. Is it purposefully self-destructive? I don’t know. I don’t think so? I can’t explain it. I do know that it’s holding me back from doing things that might make me happy; I guess it’s the possibility of failure that puts me off the process.

I have good days. Sometimes they’re serious: I quit my job today, I declared my major, I came out to my roommate! Sometimes they’re mundane: I danced in front of my friends today, I texted someone I haven’t talked to in a while, I made it through a group project for math class!

But it’s hard. There are so many things that I want to do that I keep pushing away because I’m too scared…to put in the time? To break my status quo? Again, I don’t know. I think in the end my rational mind will win out enough for me to be happy. I’ll submit those applications, I’ll have the hard conversations I need to have, I’ll do the serious things because they are important and urgent. But I’m not sure I’ll ever take that dance class. I don’t know yet how to overcome that. ♦