Thahabu

I have never resented being an empath more than I do right now.

The friendship I terminated at the end of the summer was recently brought up by someone who enjoyed hanging with the both of us, together. We were a trio before things went sour. He came over to say goodbye before I returned to school to finish out the fall semester. We spent an hour catching up on each other’s lives and laughing. He asked if I had talked to the girl since the breakup, because he really wished that we could be the three musketeers again. I told him I blocked her in every way possible after our fight and do not plan to talk to her ever again. He frowned, replying, “That’s what I thought.” He explained that when he asked for the girl’s side of the story the week before seeing me, the only thing she was mad about was that I made her feel bad about all the terrible things she did the night before. (Basically, it was OK for her to harass, call me names, and stress me out that night, but when I responded in the same way it was wrong—a case of “I can’t take what I dish out.”) She told him that she behaved that way because she was in a dark place. Her self-esteem depended on attention from men, which somehow excused her behavior and made her the victim in the situation, as if I don’t have my own real shit that I slog through every day.

She also said that she never cherished our friendship and she was never actually my friend, but was using me as someone to vent to and project her insecurities and anger onto when she was having guy problems. This is what I found most unsettling, not because I wanted her friendship back, but because we were friends for three and a half years. I shared a bed with this girl on multiple occasions for sleepovers that she organized. How do you listen to someone’s deepest secrets while knowing that you couldn’t care less? How could this person so easily slip into my life to use me up, give me an emotional beating, and then throw me out? She did a terrifyingly good job at pretending she was my close friend.

What I see now is that she saw my casual attitude about sex and relationships as a threat to her own confidence. In her mind, girls are supposed to obsess over how much attention a guy gives them, and if they don’t they’re “just like a man,” they’re a fuckboy—what she called me when I would tell her about my confusion over why one of my sexual partners was berating me for not having romantic feelings for them. Apparently, there’s no way a “regular” woman can find joy in having casual sex and being independent.

She often warned me that men go after empaths on purpose because they’re easier to manipulate, but that’s exactly what she did to me. Now I know why sometimes I felt like she was treating me like one of the guys she hooked up with who didn’t text her back. A friend shouldn’t take her frustrations about romance out on her friend who has more casual view on sex and relationships, shaming them and calling them names simply because it reminds them of their unrequited love interests. No friendship should be filled with that much drama.

I feel bamboozled and frightened. I told this person things about me that no one else knows under the impression that she valued our friendship. In turn, this situation is having a negative effect on how I view the world and relationships. It’s like I’m in the twilight zone and I can’t trust anyone. I’m so paranoid. I keep thinking my friends are just pretending and everyone is out to get me, that they are all laughing at me behind my back. I don’t want to have this outlook, but I’m wary of building new friendships with women now: How will I know they are really my friend? How do I know they aren’t just a predator trying to gain something out of my being an empath?

I hate feeling this way, and I don’t want to be a girl who says they don’t have female friends, but after this experience I don’t think saying that is always just about impressing guys! Women can be just as a abusive and manipulative as men. I know it sounds dramatic, but when a girl has a bad experience with an ex-boyfriend and she writes off boys for a while, many people would tell her it’s OK and she deserve to take that time for herself where she hates men. How do I get back to trusting other women again? I genuinely want to know, I’m tired of walking around with this paranoia.

That friendship made me feel so ashamed to be me. I used to love being me, but past abusive relationships have tricked me into thinking I shouldn’t. I want to get to a place where I take great pride in myself again, but also want to wrap myself in a cocoon of all my band shirts and cry.

I found this quote on Tumblr:

As a Gemini, you find yourself at odds with people. You want to go with the flow but all too often you find yourself with people trying to control you or trying to weigh you down. You seem to attract people who are threatened by your free-spiritedness. Don’t worry about those people, worry about what fills you up so that you can fill others up with goodness. Don’t settle with people whom you will build resentment with.

I don’t want to fill others up with goodness if it means they’re going to return the favor by taking advantage of me and stabbing me in the back. ♦