Fatma

I know I’m young, but my mind thinks as if I’m 70 years old. I’m constantly thinking about life after death and I believe in Heaven and Hell, so I keep wondering where I’ll be placed. On one hand, I follow the law, I’m a kind person, and I believe in God. However, I don’t cover my hair, I’ve never read parts of the Qur’an and I live a westernised lifestyle regarding the music and films I watch. I know that in my heart I’m a compassionate person, but I also know that although Islam is a reasonable religion at heart, that some Muslims are really hardcore with their beliefs and I’m not like that.

I don’t know if I’ll make it in Heaven if there are billions of Muslims who have worn the hijab since they were teenagers or prayed five times a day for decades, and I’m standing there with my Kanye West CDs. Another thing that scares me is that God doesn’t like me. I try to talk to my dad about this but he tells me that we shouldn’t talk about God as though He’s a person. However, it comforts me when I imagine Him as a person. I really hope He likes me—I think He does, because He created me but I always have the slightest bit of doubt in my mind about whether He’s disappointed in me or not. I learnt in school that Heaven in Islam works like this: If someone wants something, they get it immediately.

If I get there, I’m going to be in a movie theatre where everything is baby blue: the walls, the seats, the carpet, and there’s a big projector that’s playing The Royal Tenenbaums and the theatre is packed but everyone is silently watching the movie. My wish would be to never have to feel lonely again.

There is a quote about death that makes me laugh and reassures me regarding my morbid thoughts: “If Heaven does exist, I’m worried that I get up there and there is a load of people who I know, who have annoyed me in this life and suddenly, I’m in this place with them, forever—people who were a pain in the ass. And suddenly, ‘Hi Karl, oh you’re dead, are you? Oh Jesus, you made it did you?’, forever”—Karl PilkingtonAn Idiot Abroad, Season Three Episode Two (India). ♦