Thahabu

Yoga is a lot like prayer for me. I never really know who I’m praying to or if they’re listening, but I still trust that something’s out there. The same goes for yoga. I have to trust that my body will bend and stretch as much as the titanium rods in my spine allow, and know that with time I’ll get my core mobility back, even though that goal seems far fetched. I usually turn to prayer when I’ve exhausted all other options in a dire situation. I take comfort in knowing that I’ve done the best I can and can move on knowing everything is in the hands of some higher being (maybe? I’m still iffy if all this is real or not). It’s similar to the sense of renewal I get every time I come up from 30 seconds of camel pose.

This love and respect I have for my body has taught me to have stronger faith in my instincts. I need to stop second guessing myself and go with what I feel when interacting with people and situations that make me uneasy. Sometimes in direct action work and organizing, you can start feel like everything you’re doing is pointless and the world is an evil place that will never change. Will anyone ever really care? What if everything I’m doing is pointless and we’re doomed? I’m a fool for caring so much. On Saturday night, those feelings punched me in the gut after a long day of lingering in my brain. I began to cry, as quietly as I could, making sure to not wake my roommate. As angry and defeated as I felt in those moments, I didn’t reprimand myself for caring about the two women of color who were shot by police last week, and the missing girl I see all over social media. My reasons for engaging in social justice work are extremely personal, not that anyone needs a “good” excuse to want to participate in social activism, but I have my reasons. I allowed myself to have these pervasive feelings, which is a monumental ordeal, because in previous crying sessions my brain was like, OH MY GOD, THAHABU STOP CRYING, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

I woke up around 9 AM the next day, still feeling down after the tsunami of tears that left my eyes the night before, but also knowing that I couldn’t stop caring and doing social justice work if I wanted to. There’s so much chaos in the world, and the only thing I can seek stability from is making sure I take my vitamins each day, do yoga, and pray—even though I don’t do the latter nearly as much as the other two. This is the first time in my life that I really am trying to build myself up and create a better me. ♦