Lilly

I’m getting lost again. I’m halfway up a rock face, fumbling for a stronger grip. I’m done with my homework for the next week but so tired that I fall asleep at my desk the moment the pressure is off. I’m neglecting the rare few friends I’ve made here, and you’d think that they would be something to hold onto, but the relationships are too new, they haven’t fledged yet. I look up my school’s counseling services but my insurance policy is too long to read and I am too weary and I tell myself, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll feel better after I sleep anyway.

Sometimes I think that in the end my downfall will come from my own personality. I am not outgoing; my parents used to say that I just enjoyed my “down time,” which always unnerved me a little, a reminder that apparently I need extensive time alone just to function like a regular human being the rest of the time. Now, in college, it puts me in a weird position: I feel like I’m overbearing, too enthusiastic, taking myself too seriously when I’m one-on-one with my professors, while in front of my peers I am near-silent. It’s not a good combination. The constant change in dynamic is getting to my head. ♦