Thahabu

I was in a weird position last week. I was being slightly intimate with someone, but I was not comfortable. The person asked if they could touch my breasts, I quickly shoved their hands away, saying no. They then responded with some nonsense: “Oh, I didn’t know you were so insecure about your boobs,” assuming that was the reason I didn’t want them touching me. It couldn’t have been simply didn’t want them touching me in the first place, or that I don’t find them attractive. Nope, in their head they were the bees knees and anyone rejecting them was an inconceivable feat.

This isn’t even the first time this has happened to me. People make me uncomfortable or do something to me that I don’t like and when I say “no” or “stop,” it is brushed off and laughed at, as if I don’t know what’s good for me. Apparently there are certain things that are universally liked, and if I don’t like them, somehow, something is wrong with me, and I’m the one who’s being uptight. I don’t know what’s up with people these days, but not respecting people’s space and comfort makes you the uptight one. Having respect for other people is so much fun, and you’re missing out, bro!

So here’s a little PSA: If someone asks, no, tells you to stop doing something to them, don’t ask why. Don’t flatter yourself by thinking, “oh they must not be secure with themselves, that’s why they won’t let me do xyz to them.” You are not that cute, sorry to say, but everyone doesn’t want you.

This kind of gaslighting and shaming shows up in my life in other ways, too. A few weeks ago, I was driving around with a friend talking about relationships. I explained how I’m not into actively seeking a relationship, I’m more into it just kind of happening. Like I begin a friendship with someone, and then later on it’s “ooooh romantic feelings are developing let’s try this out, bae.” So I’m turned off when someone suddenly decides that they wanna date me after an initial meeting; the person doesn’t know me yet. You can’t have someone figured out after just one interaction, so they don’t like me, they like the idea of me. We can hang out and then as they get to know me and then decide whether they actually like me or just liked the idea of me. We can proceed to dating or they can leave without accusing me of hiding things. After my spiel, my friend condescendingly said, “So do you think you’re afraid having emotions?” Like, what? I love to love people, and me and my emotions have a great relationship (thanks, therapy). I really don’t get why I’m somehow interpreted as cold or missing something when I say I have no real interest in having a partner.

I will admit that maybe this lack of interest comes from a dating blip I had last year, when the person acted like I was shoving stakes through their hands every time they noticed that I took interest in things they didn’t like, or had qualities that didn’t mesh with theirs. Me not being who they’d made me out to be in their head was somehow heartbreaking for them, but really strange and torturous for me. If you don’t like major parts of someone’s personality don’t stay and criticize every little thing the person does. Leave so they can go on being them and pursue a relationship with someone who appreciates the parts of them you despised. But cold? Scared of love? Nah, I’m hella warm and inviting. That’s why I’ve only been at my new college for a week, yet people keep asking to eat with me in the cafeteria.

I’m good. I know myself. Imma keep doing me. ♦