Lilly

My bookmarks bar is a maze. It is full of “white noise for studying” and “this helped you calm down that one time” and songs that put me at rest quickly enough that sometimes I need them to be just a click away. More than that, though, it’s full of things that aren’t very calming to look at. Scholarship applications. Links to college admissions pages and financial aid websites, which I visit to reassure myself “one last time” that I’ve fulfilled their requirements.

It’s late to be worrying about this. Too late, in many cases. I’m doing what I can—I’m writing a lot and researching a lot and trying to catch up on the work that should have been done months ago. I don’t like thinking about the future and I guess I’ve been willing to put it at stake to avoid discomfort. I’m not proud of it. It’s certainly something I haven’t handled well.

If there is one bright point in this cold start to the semester, it’s the two miles that I ran just the other day. Slowly, yes. Timed carefully to include rests, yes. But it was solid, and it was painless, and for a blessed 20 minutes or so I didn’t have to think about anything else. For a fairly strenuous physical activity, it’s the only way I know how to relax anymore. I’d rather my stomach be burning with exertion than panic. ♦