Kiana

Five things:

1. I can’t believe I’m 19. Even now, several days after my birthday, it’s weird to say the words out loud, much like the unfamiliar feel of my tongue moving inside my mouth when I say “19” silently.

2. On the morning of January 15, I braved my heart and set forth to lounge for half a day on a distant, secluded island. I drank orange juice, rolled around in the sand under the sun, and read poems. Now I realize I didn’t speak much that day, and I love that.

3. I have a new journal notebook! I bought colored pens, peach and blue—I felt that these would encourage me to color, draw, and journal more. But who am I kidding? My need for catharsis and release is the only ingredient necessary for riotous, tireless journaling. That and the fact that Sylvia Plath and Anaïs Nin come to mind when I think, even momentarily, about journaling.

4. A boy I was in love with for quite some time (but then magically got over) hit me up last week to ask if I could help direct his band’s music video. Boy, was I stirred and confused. I knew what he was doing: taking advantage of the fact that I was in love with him.

5. I don’t know what this age or number holds for me, or what the universe has in store for me, or what things I’ll bring upon myself—I’m scared, now more than ever. As I try to stay centered and focused, I hold my own hand and listen to myself breathe and watch myself survive.

P.S. Do any of you 19-year-olds have advice or words of reassurance for me? EEEEEEK. ♦