Alyson

This is the first cold week in Temecula. I put on some clothes and my shoes and stretched. The sun had set, but it wasn’t dark. Sky-limbo is when the sun is gone but the light isn’t. It was only 5:50 PM. Since it was cold, I could just run, without going through the annoying ritual of applying sunscreen and other stuff.

Honestly, I was pretty shaken up about what to do with him. All my friends feel bad for him. Don’t they think that I feel worse? I have put myself in this situation again, where I become the devil. Although these feelings make for a painful resting life, they give me adrenaline to run with.

I have to remind myself to breathe when I first exit my cul-de-sac. In the past, I wouldn’t breathe because I didn’t want anyone to hear me, but then, after a couple minutes, my chest couldn’t run anymore.

Instead of doing the mile loop, I ran out of my neighborhood. I can’t drive yet; running is my driving. For the first time, I wanted cars to see me when I ran. I got out to the border of my subdivision. The car lights were like white dots on a black canvas. I wanted to be seen. Why?

I was running so fast that I could only think my mind was running for me. In my cross-country days, mind was running for me there, too, until it could no longer keep up. I didn’t got tired on this run until I got very close to my street. But that’s later.

Tracing the border of sidewalk that became a fast-moving, two-lane street just inches from me—this was perfect to feed whatever mental craving was taking me over. At the end of the street: Turn in here and disappear from the audience of cars? Or…
No. I turned and ran back.
Honk.
Please honk.
I dare you to.
It’s dark now but I know you can see me.

I get one weak honk on my way down to the light. Thank you.

The way back was a little uphill, but I didn’t feel it. Maybe it was easier because part of me was hiding in the dark, but it was strange how that night I relied on something I usually avoid while running—people—to carry me through. Maybe I just needed a night off, to fall dependent on the cars and their fueling attention.

It only took a couple hours for me to get sore. My calves felt hungover. But my mind was ready to go again—anywhere but my room, my house, my school, this snow globe. ♦