AMY ROSE: When I have apologized in this way (very recently! yesterday-recently), I come at it without prioritizing or even MY NEED FOR FORGIVENESS, but instead acknowledge that I have made things hard for another person and been selfish, and that they deserve better. I do not go into it expecting them to love me again, or talk to me again. I just tell them what I should have been telling them all along: That they are valuable, and that their thoughts and life are worthy of consideration and care, and that I acknowledge and apologize for not recognizing that earlier.

JAMIA: I try to be honest and give the “why”—to talk about what I learned, and what I will change moving forward. I usually say how I imagine what I did impacted the other person. I only give apologies when I feel they are 100 percent sincere.

LOLA: I think email’s the best means for this. If I find myself obsessing over the exact wording, I’ll remind myself that “perfect communication” is a destructive myth and can be a form of trying to control other people’s feelings or perception of me.

AMY ROSE: How do you differentiate between codependency and love (whether that’s romantic, familial, or between friends), in theory and in practice?

JANE MARIE: I go to Al-Anon. That helps a lot. When I find myself thinking, I love this person so much. I can’t live without them. If only they would ____, things would be perfect, then I know I’m in the wrong zone. My most difficult codependent relationships have been with my immediate family, and honestly? The way I broke away from the bad cycles was by moving. I don’t think that’s the right answer, but it helped me breathe and get some perspective. When I couldn’t move far away, I just self-medicated, which was horrible. I’m curious what others do?

NAOMI: I feel like love has its limits, whereas in codependency you forget that. You assume that a person can cure you and make everything better, and you forget that they are just as infallible as you are. The biggest realizations come to me when me and my friends are going through a hard time at the same time and it creates this separation where it’s like, Well, these are your problems and here are mine, we both have issues. If we both manage to understand that we exist simultaneously, then that’s a good first step to loving and supporting each other in the right way.

MADS: Codependency versus love in terms of romantic relationships…this is a tough one, and I think it all comes down to your own personal definition of love. What do you seek from the person you love? What do you expect your partner to want/need from you? How much are you and the other person willing to give or take? I think a certain amount of codependence can healthily exist in a relationship so long as both parties want and need a similar level of it. I can’t be a healthy partner in a relationship when the foundation of my love rests on a dire need for someone. I need to have my own life, my own world, before I can enter someone else’s. Whenever my happiness or security relies on something external, namely, a lover, it’s never really solid. You’ve got to have a strong sense of self that exists independently, whether you’re in a relationship or not. At least for me!

ANNE: That can also apply to all sorts of relationships, and it immediately connotes that things will be off balance. I differentiate between codependency and love by acknowledging and making sure that there’s space. Like, do I feel like someone’s therapist? That’s the worst (especially when it comes to guys, which is a thing I’ve done in the past, assuming that would endear them to me). Or do I feel like we’re in the middle of a very long and interesting conversation that spans years? If I feel like there’s room for me to speak and to be and to live, then I know it’s healthy. Shout-out if you’ve ever assumed a therapist role for a romantic partner in hopes that being “the person who always listens” will make them fall in love with you. (And another shout-out to how shitty-feeling it is when you realize that’s not how it works.) Though for the first time in life, I straight-up just ghosted on some dude I’d been friends with/had a huge crush on who basically just spewed his rhetoric at me, without acknowledging my own work/self in any real way. (I had to tell him to ask me about my day. That is not a great chat.)

AMY ROSE: Yes: Silence can be a lure. I did not realize, for a long time, that it was loving not just to listen and absorb people’s minds and thoughts and problems and ideas, but to voice your own. People fall in love with you quickly if you keep mum. But the cost of that love is intense alienation and lonesomeness. It’s not a good deal.

EMILY: I have found that my first responsibility needs to be dating myself. If a person I’m dating doesn’t allow me to also date myself, either from their own actions or my need to be perfect for them, that’s codependency for me. Dating myself can mean having time with my friends without just watching the time tick down so I can leave and BE WITH THEM, having time with myself that I relish, still watching the TV shows I want to watch (not just the ones they approve of), still going to the gym, et cetera. Anyone who dates me has to be OK with being one of two people I date.

PIXIE: Codependency, to me, means that the entire system breaks down if one person doesn’t play their “expected” part. It doesn’t allow for growth or change—it just traps two people in set roles, and any deviation from those roles leads to chaos. A solid romance is built on the idea that love grows and changes with you. You have to let the other person (and yourself!) exist outside of the relationship.

CHANEL: The relationship is definitely codependent when something as little as a cancelled plan (or even a slightly changed plan) puts someone in a deep funk.

JAMIA: It has to do with my spiritual and religious definition and understanding of love. Love is not jealous, it is not unkind, it is forgiving, it transcends the superficial and material, it is generous, and it is non-judgmental. When I feel confused about a relationship or something rubs me the wrong way, I try to see if the love I feel is rooted in these things or if it is infatuation or codependency centered on my ego, their ego, or what either of us represent for the other one—not who we innately are.

LOLA: Codependency means that I fixate on how an expression/action will appear to the other person and trying to game it for maximum benefit to them and “us”: I think of this as having feelings for two people, and it is a coping mechanism that is also a gaping suck-sewer on my goodwill and energy. Love means I can trust the other person to take care of their feels, check in with me if they don’t understand something or are upset, and set their own boundaries.

ARABELLE: I suppose in some ways my closest friendships are somewhat codependent? But I see them more as intimate friendships, and are commitments rather than kind of…parasitic? It’s a functional, healthy codependancy based on chosen family. If I need it to the point where it is detrimental to my own growth, that is parasitic codependency, and I try to shy away from that. My chosen family—we love each other and take care of each other because seeing each other thrive is important, but we also know when to step back and let each other fuck up and grow a little.

AMY ROSE: I agree with you, Arabelle. Love and reliance are sometimes intertwined, which is to say codependent, and I think that, when that intimacy propels you both forward instead of stifling you, it’s rad, and it’s love.

LOLA: “Interdependence” is a term I’ve seen that describes the kind of healthy co-dependence of two autonomous individuals y’all are discussing. It might be a useful thing to think about!

AMY ROSE: Yes! Interdependence! That is what I want and believe in. We are all allowed to need each other—but let’s make sure that what we ask for moves us forward, together. ♦