AMY ROSE: How can a person ask for help without asking for too much help?

JANE MARIE: One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten from my therapist was that receiving help that you’ve explicitly asked for can feel better/mean more than help given without a request. It’s true. When I say, “Can you please check in on me? Can you bring me something?” and the person does, it feels so loving, and it takes out the guesswork for them.

MARIE: Nobody knows what’s going on in everyone else’s mind all of the time. Old friends have gotten mad at me for not being a mind reader and instantly knowing they needed something from me, which I thought was unfair. Sometimes people just want to vent and aren’t actually asking for help, so I think it’s just best to be communicative when it’s needed.

ROSE: I’m really bad at asking for help. I’ve always been the friend-therapist, the grounded and reasonable one, the empath. When I’m having a hard time, I tend to feel powerless and pathetic and so I shut myself away, which just makes the loneliness that I am feeling so much worse. The past few years, I think I have gotten better at owning my struggles and putting myself out there. For so long, it felt really scary to admit my vulnerability, like if I did, everything would come apart at the seams.

MARIE: It’s hard for me to admit when I need help, too. Like, it takes a lot for me to show it. People are surprised to know that I suffered from constant panic attacks (thankfully, I get them very rarely now) and that I had dealt with depression. I tend to hold everything in…which is why, when I’m really stressed, it comes out in cold sores. LOL, but WAH.

ROSE: I’ve noticed that certain people are less willing to discuss certain struggles because of either (a) judgmental feelings or (b) feeling implicated. I have felt a lot of shame about complaining too much about heartbreak, which always seems to go on way longer than it should. I have also noticed that it’s possible to use up someone’s patience to discuss my sadness about a relationship they have already deemed unworthy of my energy. I have also been on the other end of that frustration, where a friend spent so much time talking about being broke and alone that it started to make me feel bad about myself and my choices.

MADS: Only recently have I begun to admit that, yes, I am human, and part of existing as my human self implies needing other people when things get rough…and that that in NO WAY makes me a weak person! Growing up, my mother often hung money over my head to guilt me into acting in certain ways (you must attend church every week because your father and I pay for the roof over your head, you can’t date this person because we’re funding college, et cetera). It embedded this fear of being indebted to someone after accepting something from them, whether it was a compliment or a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, this sort of thinking seeped into more recent romantic zones of my life, and it’s a constant struggle to actively rewire my thinking and allow myself to receive advice, dinner, or support and to not feel like a lesser person during times when I need help.

ANNE: I did rely on some friends too much/unfairly when I was younger, so I’m paranoid about repeating that same behavior now. It takes me far too long to say I’m having a time—even if that time is, “I’m very tired and I feel burned out and I’m just going to lay low for a little while.” Which isn’t even a THING.

I always just have the fear that vulnerability leads to emotional hurt. It takes me a really long time to let people in, but you can’t have real friendship without vulnerability. I’ve started to say when I need help, and it’s been fine, but it’s something I’m still getting used to, even though when they come to me with something, I feel awesome. I try and remember they deserve the same feeling!

JAMIA: It is hard for me to truly ask for help except from my inner circle. It has to do with how I was raised and the insular nature of my family world. Going to therapy was the first step for me in learning how to open up and trust someone deeply outside of my family.

LOLA: My first thought was “lol @ help.” I disqualify myself right at the jump-off: When I’m struggling, my subconscious tricks me into thinking everything is fine. It takes me lightyears to perceive that I need help, so, despite being more capable to receive help without guilt or anxiety, it almost never occurs to me to ask for it. This is still something I’m working hard on, and I still rely on outside help—friends reflecting back to me what they see me going through, or how it’s affecting me—to start the process of getting what I need.