It’s Saturday night, and your friend is throwing a party. They text you, “wassup you shld totally come thru” and you’re like, “fersure.” When you show up to the party, you pick out your friends from the crowd and go stand with them. [Insert name of your favorite song here] is playing and you’re feeling pretty solid about it. You look around at all the people there to see who you do and don’t know. You notice a few acquaintances, some interesting persons, and then someone super cute who you want to look at for longer, but you don’t want to be weird. They’re wearing a T-shirt with [insert clever literary or music reference] across the front, and you feel like the two of you will totally hit it off.

The Cute Human in question is preoccupied talking with their friends, getting drinks, and nodding along to the music. You give them the look (aka lingering eye contact usually accompanied by a small smile) and edge over to where they’re standing. When they give you the look back, you get a little panicky, quickly turn away and try to seem busy in conversation, or head to the bathroom. When you think Cute Human isn’t looking anymore, you take another glance. They’re still sexy, and you’re still interested.

Do you…

  • Make sly eye contact, but stay at a safe distance, occasionally eavesdropping so you can discover Cute Human’s name, and later wallow in pajamas and regret while you conduct an extensive internet search about Cute Human? TURN TO PAGE 3.
  • Make very direct eye contact, smile, and telepathically talk to them a little more, wishing very much that you could verbally talk with them but remaining unsure of how to approach them? TURN TO PAGE 4.