NAOMI: I’ve had people say, “I want to make you come,” and in my head I am like, Well, thanks, that is such a nice sentiment, but do you want to make me come because YOU’LL feel good about it, or because you want to make ME feel good? Then I am also like, That’s great, but I can’t come just ’cause you want to make me come. When anyone says this, I usually just ignore them.
ANNIE: There’s no need for extra pressure or for someone to “prove” that they’re a “good” lover! My friend Jetta once said, “There’s no such thing as being bad at sex: You’re either a good listener, or you’re not.”
NAOMI: You shouldn’t worry about coming, because if you’re worrying about coming it’s just not enjoyable anyway—like you’re some kind of machine and a certain act should get an immediate response? That’s not how it works. Don’t pile the pressure on yourself cause that will DEFFO make it worse. Focus on the pleasure first and foremost—it doesn’t matter if you don’t come, as long as you are having fun. I RARELY orgasm except on my own (or if I’ve been in a long-term relationship ’cause it takes a while to push my buttons the precise way).
Maybe (and this sounds a little unusual, but it might work) you and your partner could do some kind of meditation/deep breathing/relaxation techniques before you start sexytimes. When you DO get going: Don’t punish yourself for not doing it “right,” ’cause there is no right or wrong way.
KRISTA: When I talked to my friend Janet about how to relax during sex, she responded, “Don’t make orgasms the purpose [of sex], throw away porn- and Cosmo–inspired expectations, slow it down and fool around a bit, and keep in mind that sex is squishy and messy and everybody looks totally different. But usually weird and sweaty during it. I would like to add re: orgasming that the purpose of having sex is not [necessarily] to come—it’s just to have sex. Coming is big for some people and not for others. I didn’t orgasm until I was well into my twenties, and I was a delighted and enthusiastic slut since my late teens. Sex is really fun as a purpose by itself. Sometimes setting up the expectation that orgasm is the end goal at the beginning can create a lot of anxiety and distracts from the fun part of sexy exploring with someone you think is cute.
ANNIE: While we’re on it, having an orgasm, in and of itself, means literally zero about how good sex is. Lots and lots of people have had orgasms when they’ve been sexually assaulted. Lots and lots of people (myself included) have had sex they’ve loved and not orgasmed.
TAVI: Because I am Patty Simcox, I once asked a sexual partner why he wasn’t coming yet and could I do anything to help and do you need me to run to the store and get you your fave flavor of Capri Sun and DO YOU LIKE ME? He was like, “I like having sex with you. This is not a means to an end. This part is enjoyable to me.” Which was a nice little lesson in not equating making someone orgasm (or sex in general) with validation.
STEPHANIE: I really love just kissing my partner so much that we start laughing. Making out is so much fun and always reminds me of those first crush/lurrrve feelings I had for him. Getting into that zone where I can feel like I am seeing him naked for the first time, or he’s discovering my boobs for the first time, or whatever turns me on and feels really freeing.
It’s really important to be PRESENT in the makeout sesh, or whatever else you’re doing—not, like, tactically moving on to the “next step” or orgasming or whatever, but thinking, Dude, that thing that is going on with your tongue right now feels sooooooo good. Once you can get lost in that, you’ve won. Whether you come or not, you had a really, really good time!
KRISTA: Guys, we’ve been talking so long, we forgot to finish our tea! Mine is ice-cold! But I’m so happy we’ve had this chat—I’d say this discussion has been a rousing (ho ho ho) success! Having a really, really good time during sex is the goal, and it looks like we’re all well on our way. It’s amazing to hear your stories, and I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to share! Here, hand me your cups and saucers, I’ll go put them up on the counter.
LOLA: I hope, if you all are feeling anxious about anything sexy-related, that you know it’s normal, and that lots of people feel anxious or nervous. I hope hearing other people’s experiences helps ease your worries a bit. Remember to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that the aim is not to make every experience perfect. The aim is to make each experience as fun and safe and sexxaaaay for you as it can be. ♦