Lilly

“Do you think you haven’t been running and playing soccer because you’re afraid of reinjuring yourself?” my mom asked the other day.

I told her no—that I haven’t been running simply because my physical therapist told me to avoid it for a while. But then I recounted the conversation to a friend, who said, “Who could blame you if you were? You’ve been playing injured ever since you hurt your hamstring injury a couple of years ago.”

It would be a decent reason. My hamstring injury went completely undiagnosed, treated only with a 13-year-old’s common sense and as much ice as our freezer could churn out. It still regularly causes me pain, if only at night, when muscle cramps are wont to set in anyway. I’ve been playing soccer for years with the knowledge in the back of my mind that one misstep, one awkward turn, one nasty slide tackle could leave me on the ground—and maybe, this time, I wouldn’t be able to get up.

That scares me more than anything. But in order to overcome this new injury and get back on the field, I need to overcome that mental block. It’s been holding me back for over a month now—a month that wouldn’t have been easy to get through mentally, even with the relief that my sport brings.

It might sound silly, that a person’s life could be so closely intertwined with a sport, but it’s the truth. It’s been incredibly hard to hold myself together for the past six or seven weeks. I’ve never felt more on edge, more unlike myself.

It rained today, just on and off, but enough to drive me back inside anytime I dared to venture out. It wasn’t how I planned to spend my first day of winter break. I wanted to drive out to a hiking trail or a soccer field, anything to get my feet on something other than wooden floors. Instead, I stayed inside and tried to write and failed, over and over, hitting the backspace key on my laptop in increasing frustration.

The faster I recover physically, the faster I will recover mentally and emotionally. I have two months until conditioning starts for spring season, and I swear to myself that I will be ready for it. ♦