Have you recorded anything?

Yeah, we have a website called targetaudience.bandcamp.com. Our music on there isn’t our absolute best work, because we’re waiting until my parents give me approval to actually hang out with Caressa and play music. I’m just waiting to prove to them that I have good grades, then [Caressa and I] can focus on our music.

Wait, there’s so much in what you just said! First: You two have been a band long enough to write and record songs together. How did that happen? Did that happen…uh, I’m gonna try to do this diplomatically, but I don’t think there is a way! So: Were you just lying to your parents and going to band practice and saying you were somewhere else?

Yes.

OK. [Laughs]

That was mostly what was happening. And sometimes when my parents weren’t home, she would come over and we would quickly record a song and then she would leave. I can’t really even go out in general, though. That’s always been really stressful in my relationship with Caressa. I can rarely do anything, and when I have, we were sneakin’ around. But Caressa’s working on getting us a show, and when she does, that’s the point when I’m gonna go up to my parents and be like, “Yo, I gotta do something right now!”

How do you think they’ll react?

[Takes a deep breath] I have no idea at this point.

You said there was some deal where if you got good grades, they’d let you play music. What are the terms of that deal?

It’s based on my next report card. The quarter grades are due tomorrow, and I have all A’s and B’s, and that’s what my parents want, so I’m hoping that when they see it, they’ll be like, “Yeah! You can do what you want now!”

They can’t go back on their deal!

I’m not sure if they’re gonna keep [to their word], because I’ve never gotten good enough grades to impress them before, so I have nothing to base it off of.

OK, so I’m just gonna say this to your parents: I feel like if you make a deal, you have to stick to it. And if you reward Sabrina for what she said she would do, she’ll actually have incentive to keep getting good grades. Right?

Yeah, that’s exactly right. I’ll be sure to show them that!

I saw a picture of you with your guitar, and it has i am very happy with who i am painted on it. Did you do that?

photo 2

Yeah. My older sister, for my birthday two years ago, made me this book where she cut out a bunch of poems she thought I would like and glued them onto pictures from magazines and newspapers. That quote came from a poem that I do not know the name of, or the author. I’m finding it right now in my book. [Pauses to find the poem] OK—should I read it to you?

Yes, please!

[Reading]

I quite like myself
slumped over the television
colors flickering across
my sunken face
at 3:30 AM.

I think I am at my best
hunched over the kitchen sink
in the middle of the night,
contemplating swallowing a bottle
of pills.

I feel great
sprawled across my bed
during early mornings,
crying before I am even awake;
sunlight streaming through
cracked window panes
uninvited.

I am happy with who I am
I say aloud in the car
all alone
while wondering if I
should drive into a tree.

I am happy with who I am.

I love that! What are parts of it connect with you?

Um…before I met Caressa, I didn’t really have any experience with friends or anything. And all my poems used to be about wanting to go out and enjoy my life. Then, after [I started doing more things], even that stuff felt like it was becoming a routine. My life was turning into kind of like what this poem is describing. I don’t want that. I don’t want my life to be a bland routine, where everything’s the same thing over and over again, and I’m bored and sad and don’t do anything about it. I think everyone’s kind of fooling themselves into thinking their lives are great, but really they might not be.

Tell me something about Caressa that you wish more people knew.

Caressa is a very intimidating person, because she’s so smart and she carries herself with confidence. People are afraid to talk to her. But they should know that, if you talk to her, she’s super accepting of everybody.

What is a quality that she has that you wish you had?

Sometimes I find it hard to say things in a way where people will take me seriously. Like, I’m not assertive enough or confident enough about whatever I’m saying. She has the ability to be confident and mature and stand by what she says.

Is there anything that she sees in you that you didn’t see in yourself before?

That I’m smart, and I do have interesting things to say, and I should be taken seriously.

I feel like my best relationships—friendship-wise and romantic-wise—have made me change, in a good way, to be a better friend or a better partner. Is there anything that you’ve had to change about yourself to be a better friend to Caressa?

Because I never really had this kind of friendship before, I had all these preconceptions of what friendship would be like—all based on the movies I was watching. But when you come to it in real life, it’s obviously nothing like that. It takes so much more effort and is so much more difficult.

What movies were you watching, and what was the picture of friendship that they gave you?

Umm…I was watching all these dumb movies. I like all kinds of movies, but…um…I don’t really remember. But [they made it seem] like what you do is you hang out once in a while and you might talk or play music together sometimes or go see a movie, and you’ll talk on the phone every now and then, but I’ve learned that that’s not really a friendship. Real friendship requires something every day. You’ve got to talk about stuff every day and keep up and do interesting things…it requires so much more effort than I thought.

So, were they just dumb teen movies about best friends?

Yeah.

And…I can tell you’re trying to avoid telling me what movies they were, and I’m trying to imagine what movies were out a few years ago that showed that vision of friendship, but I don’t even know what the hell movies are anymore! Was it, like, some Harry Potter–ass shit?

[Laughs] No, I’m thinking of, like, Riding in Cars With Boys. Dumb stuff like that.