Dear Diary

August 13, 2014

High hopes and racing hearts.

Ananda

Some people get a sense of accomplishment out of getting good grades. Others are proud when they finish a project they’ve spent hours or days on. For me, just leaving the house is a real achievement.

When some duty like school is forcing me out, I can leave, with difficulty. But when I don’t absolutely have to be anywhere, I can spend hours struggling to get out the front door, touching the doorknob repeatedly then retracting my hand, pacing around the house for hours. The outside world just feels like too much to handle sometimes.

I don’t know what causes this anxiety. Maybe I’m afraid of interacting with other people. Maybe it just feels too dangerous out there. Or perhaps it’s the thought of having to go through another panic attack. Not being able to pinpoint the cause only makes it worse.

It would be nice if one day I could leave the house without mentally playing out every bad scenario. I would love to go shopping without feeling ill. I wish I could answer the door or telephone without my body tensing and my heart racing, or answer a question in class without panicking.

It would also be nice if people could see that I’m not being “antisocial,” and that forcing me into social situations or making jokes about my anxiety isn’t going to make me feel better. I wish people could understand that what might be natural for them is unnatural and difficult for me. ♦

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5 Comments

  • netraasmiles August 13th, 2014 8:50 PM

    Ananda, I totally feel you. People think that they can “fix” you by throwing you into social situations at you’re just not able to take. Like, if someone was allergic to peanuts, would others just force them to eat a bunch of peanut butter to “get over it”?!?!

  • priyalatifah August 14th, 2014 10:01 AM

    Britney, I can totally relate. The delivery of my words never comes out the way I plan it to in my head, and I feel like people see me as somewhat timid and maybe kind of weak when I want them to see me as confident and to also have a blunt, interesting presence

  • elektraheart August 15th, 2014 8:19 PM

    Past *month, not mont. Just a little error.

  • insanejane August 24th, 2014 8:26 AM

    omg, it seems that britney is writing exactly what my brain is always saying to myself… so strange the last sentence is exactly me…