I’ve just started noticing some annoying dimples on my butt and upper thighs. I do sports, exercise regularly, and eat pretty healthy, so I’m confused about why I’m getting cellulite! I know there is no “cure” for it, but can you suggest some remedies? I don’t want to have to worry about this! —Alyson, 15, Temecula, CA
You don’t! I have cellulite. Here’s a photo of it:
The first time I realized that cellulite existed, I was nine or 10 years old, when I saw that my mom had it. She was in her late 20s and bordering on fitness-obsessed—she and my dad owned a gym and only ate stuff like baked skinless chicken with wild rice. And yet, there were bumps on her legs when she sat down a certain way. I feel ashamed that I noticed it, and, worse, I nervously wondered if the same thing would “happen” to my legs when I got older. A few years later I got my answer: My cellulite appeared around the time I entered high school.
And guess what? Nothing happened. I just have cellulite now. The end! My legs are fine—they look like human female legs! Sure, I have occasional moments of self-consciousness when I hide my legs behind a strategically placed purse, but 99 percent of the time, I do not give any shits that I have cellulite. Looking at the above photo, I kind of want to punch me in the face for even *thinking* the word cellulite. (I’ll put money on it that you’ll feel the same way someday, and hopefully that day is today, immediately after you finish reading this.)
I’d like to blame THA PATRIARCHY for confusing my brain about this. Why? Because, due to men’s genetic/hormonal makeup, most males don’t have cellulite, as I just learned from WebMD. Most men’s fat attaches to their skin in a way that is non-bumpy, so, of course, the story has become that, since “female fat” does not always attach the way “male fat” does, it attaches “wrong.” Add it to your list of grievances, ladies.
Anyway, as for a “cure”? Yeah, right, according to that same infuriating WebMD article. There are some creams containing caffeine and/or retinoids (a form of vitamin A that is sometimes used in skincare products) that, when applied at least twice a day for months on end, might make your skin look a little bit smoother. I for one cannot be bothered to spend that kind of time and money for such vague promises.
There are also a bunch of bunk procedures you can get done at a medical spa, which is like a hacky cosmetic-doctor’s office. Some of these methods knead or heat up your skin, but there’s no scientific evidence that kneading or heating works to actually change the way fat attaches to your skin—the best they probably do is make your skin temporarily swell up, which makes its surface look smoother for a day or two. This expensive laser procedure promises similarly shady results, but for longer: If it smoothes out your bumps, they will come back in a year or two.
In the face of all that, the best solution is to erase the notion of cellulite from our brains and try to love our legs, butts, and THE REST OF OURSELVES, WHILE WE’RE AT IT.
And another thing: All of those tabloid covers full of bumpy famous butts are Photoshopped to enhance the appearance of cellulite. And, even more often, the same magazines will airbrush bumps off of the SAME CELEBRITY BUTTS to make them impossibly smooth. Never forget: Everything is a lie. —Jane Marie
What is this, my Christmas-birthday? This question is too prime. I could—and would—talk to you about eyelashes for an entire calendar month, if (a) you let me and (b) Rookie was amenable to rebranding itself as LashGab, an online lifestyle forum where people obsessed with gluing extra hair/fibers onto their eyelids can meet and connect. As I type this to you, I am wearing individual fake eyelashes with a strip pair LAYERED OVER ’EM, just as God intended me to, even though I am straight-up alone in my apartment, save for a small, surly cat who squints at me periodically as I type. So you know your girl is committed, and SO ready to GAB ABOUT LASHES here on WWW.LASHGAB.EDU. (Tavi: Think about it?)
As a highly experimental fake-eyelash artįstę (you may remember my name from such films as 2011’s Three Strips…at the Beach and 2008’s How Long Have You Had Those Same Ones On), I have dabbled in all manner of lash-extendery, ranging from “I’ma wear these for around three hours, and no longer” to “semipermanently sutured to my face.” The latter, aka the extendos that you get done in a salon, last six to eight weeks and are my least favorite kind to employ, and not only because I’m an eyelash dilettante who likes to switch up the style of fakes I’m wearing more than I do my actual clothing. (At this juncture, I respectfully ask you to please “get into it,” “feel me on this,” and “let a girl live for once.”)
When I got eyelash extensions, I thought it was going to save me SO MUCH TIIIIME! I didn’t want them because fake eyelashes—even the individual ones—are hard to apply. They’re not. It just seemed nice to me to have a set built right in when I woke up each morning (you know, outside from the natural small-frylashes that grow near my oculi). As I discovered at the salon, though, I hated them. The esthetician applied what appeared to be the same individual lashes I bought and did myself at home, except she used an industrial-strength perma-glue, which, as I discuss in the tutorial I linked to above, I am resolutely not the fuck about—it tore out my frylashes, which negated the whole scheme of getting fake ones in the first place. But! This is partially because, as you may know from seeing my face on a certain cosmetic-application series around this website, I love makeup a ton. If you have extendos, you’re supposed to be SUPER gentle about removing your mascara, eyeliner, etc., if you even use that stuff, which I was advised not to. I of course ignored this advice and tore them out. Don’t be like me, T.! Or do, by opting for more-temporary lash augmentation methods instead.
I understand that not everyone is like me, though. Some people are NOT mutant Tammy Faye–in-training-wheels-type knuckleheads who are too irresponsible to maintain the expensive synthetic cilia they’ve had grafted onto them in the name of being a bæùté ártįstę (beauty artist). Maybe you are a person with an ounce of sense in your goddamn head. If you are, get some semipermanent lash extendos up on that thing, but first make sure you’re cool with following these holy tenets:
- Don’t use oil-based makeup removers ever, since they weaken the adhesive.
- Actually, don’t use even regular water and cleanser/soap frequently, either, for the same reasons.
- Showering is going to become a bit more balletic and complicated, as you’ll have to keep your face outta the stream—see above.
- How dare you even think of swimming? DO NOT SWIM. What are you, a dumb old fish? NO. YOU ARE A WEARER OF EYELASHES.
Above all else: Make sure that if you do decide to get your lashes professionally done, you vet the salon well in advance of sitting in one of its chairs. How are its online reviews? Do you or others you know trust its cleanliness and professionalism? Does it have a high ranking on LashGab (check back next month for official rating system, if all goes according to my sick master plan)? If you’re into all of this, extend your lashes with confidence and zeal. If not, watch the above video, or hit me back and we can talk about other options for you. Because, look, I just took this picture as I was writing this, and even though I am clearly in a bathtub and have the hair of a sheepdog who badly needs to visit a groomer, I think we can agree that my eyelashes look WILD FULL:
With no hell-glue required, even! Just the regular kind, plus lashes that cost $3 at the drugstore and will last me at least a few days. But whatever you choose, if you do, I’m sure you’ll look astoundingly dope. X ARS ♦
HELLO, YUNG GORGEOUSNESS: If you’d like advice about brow maintenance, neon lipstick, toenail care, or anything/everything else about beauty, get at Jane Marie and company by emailing [email protected]. Please sign your email with your name/nickname/initials, age, and city.