Not every sexual situation is going to come out of a relationship, though—and though mine was awesome while it lasted, I later found that the same could be said for attaching my face to another person’s whose middle (or even last) name I didn’t know! (ESCÁNDALO.) By adding these relative strangers to the RoBZP, I learned plenty of frank, direct, flirtatious, and gentle ways to make consent a part of those (and future!) entries, regardless of how well I knew any single person I hooked up with. How you decide to approach the babes of your consensual and highly sexy future is up to you, but here are some pointers on how to score and feel great about it, how to make sure these future-babes are equally jazzed about what’s going on, and what to do if things take a too-intense turn and you want to set them back on track.
If someone is touching you in a way that feels like too much (how you determine this is, as with most other things related to sexual desire, highly subjective), tell them to change what they’re doing, or to stop, if you prefer. If you’re all right with the former, pull away a little and say something like “Do that [more slowly, or gently, or whatever it is you want them to change], please.” No matter what you decide to say, try not to couch a declarative statement about what you do or don’t want in language like “I don’t think I want to do that yet” if that’s not the way you’re feeling. You don’t have to water down what you know in your heart/parts to be true, and your boundaries are not up for renegotiation unless you say, and mean, that they are.
In one of my frenches of yore, nothing much was “happening” that wasn’t kissing, on the surface, but the francophile in question had me pressed up against a wall in a way that I found a little too impassioned, even though I was otherwise enjoying the festivities. In this situation, as in many others, getting specific about what wasn’t working for me righted that weirdness. “Hey, can you back up a little?” went a long way, and not in the sexually figurative sense. She got the message that I wanted to SLOW RIDE, TAKE IT EASY in that instance, although we had hooked up in explosive, grabby, and generally raunch-as-hell encounters before. When dudes have rammed their tongues down my esophagus, which has happened a solid handful of times in my RoBZT, saying, “Can you be a little gentler?” has been similarly effective.
Telling someone what you want while you’re circling tongues is not only a useful way to get that thing, but also a great litmus test as to whether that person is going to respect your wishes when it comes to your other areas. If you say, “I like it when you slow down,” and then that person doesn’t, I advise you to bail—and this advice extends to not only kissing, but every kind of sexual contact, if the ground rules you’ve laid are being broken. First and most important: Physically separate yourself from the person, since your comfort and safety come first, regardless of whatever the hell they’re doing to imply the contrary. Then let them know why you’re bailing, if you feel OK doing that, because they should be aware that their supremely jerky behavior and lack of concern for your happiness is why you’re outta there and they’re about to be alone. Then, unless you have anything more you’d like to say, just leave.
Consent also extends to not only what you’ve agreed to do with another person, but being protected, health-wise, in doing it. Mainly: You should always be using some kind of barrier method that prevents STIS, like a condom, if you’re having sex. To be extra-safe throughout your encounter, you should also periodically check to make sure that barrier method stays in place, too. People can be surprisingly and infuriatingly boneheaded about respecting this! Once upon a night that started out promisingly, I caught someone I was with had trying to remove a condom without telling me. What a nightmare, right? When he explained that he assumed I’d be “chill about it,” I freaked. How dare anyone treat anyone else this way—and then be an idiot bro who tries to project his grossness onto me BY USING THE WORD CHILL AS AN ADJECTIVE. Yo, I became a banshee. I fucking hate that guy, and I wish I could tell the world his name so that he could see exactly how chill I am.
Conversely, one of my favorite aspects of a recent hookup was being asked if I had the Gardasil shot, which is an HPV vaccine. This sounds a lot less cool than it was, but trust me! I was kissing this person for the first time, and although it was unclear whether things would progress further, he wanted to pause and make sure I knew that he was carrying the virus so I could incorporate that into the decisions I made about being physically intimate with him. “That’s awesome of you to tell me,” I said, grinning, a little too impressed. His response was even better: “It’s not! I just think you have the right to know whether I could potentially be giving you something like that.” That is exactly how to be. In case anyone tries to tell you that pausing a sensuous sexperience to ask questions/provide information/make sure everything is cool with your partner “kills the mood,” let me tell you, honesty made me like him even more, which I find is usually the case with me and any kind of sexual encounter—or life-encounter in general.
Sex, like every other way of relating to another person, is at its very greatest when you and the person/people you’ve chosen to hang around with are honest, listen to one another, and generally make a point of keeping kindness and respect at the forefront of your minds. I know that part won’t be hard for you. I hope that, even though hooking up with other people can be unpredictable, you go into every situation knowing and trusting that, whatever your boundaries are, they’re exactly the right ones to follow. You know what you want—and so should anyone who has the privilege of being on the other end of what that means for you. Go get it. ♦