Dear Diary

April 9, 2014

Can’t stop changing all the time.

Ruby

It’s foggy and starting to get warm. I’m craving caffeine; my hands are shaking slightly. They remind me of a girl I met once whose problems were much greater than mine. I travel in time and she is sitting beside me, and her hands are the ones in front of me, trembling.

“Look,” she says. “Look what they’re doing to me by keeping me here.” She was 16 and an alcoholic. She was also a heavy smoker, but they didn’t let her smoke, and they wouldn’t give her the patch. I met her when she was just starting to get withdrawal symptoms from the alcoholism.

I travel forward in time and realize that she is probably still out there somewhere. She probably made it—most do. I wonder if her hands still shake like that.

Peter is out west, visiting the college he’s almost certainly going to attend in the fall. I try not to miss him, because a few days is nothing compared to what it will be like when it’s months at a time.

I shake at the thought.

I’m already feeling withdrawal symptoms. ♦

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10 Comments

  • weareallmadhere April 9th, 2014 7:38 PM

    I love all of your diary entries every week! They are very relatable to me! thanks for sharing your stories!

  • Eileen April 9th, 2014 8:22 PM

    Britt- may I call you Britt~
    This is so frustrating to read. I find myself thinking, “Why does she do that? She’s an amazing, talented, beautiful person.” And then I’m like…”Why do I never say this for me?”

  • Viaperson April 9th, 2014 8:58 PM

    Naomi – I feel like you’re writing down my own thoughts – I am so excited for the summer, to travel and be alone and meet new people far away, mostly because I feel SO trapped by the itsy bitsy social group I find myself in here at uni. I love my friends but I hate feeling that my association with them is beginning to define my personality, because that’s so limiting and, you know, inside I feel so EXPANSIVE(!!). We are so many people all at once!! thanks for writing down what I wish I could say. <3

  • doikoon April 9th, 2014 9:01 PM

    Instead of “do not, do not, do not” try “I am, I am, I am”. Your a fucking poet, write I am poems in your head.

    –j

  • honorarygilmoregal April 9th, 2014 9:37 PM

    I should try being a tourist in my own town. It sounds like fun!

  • Cosmo Beatrix April 11th, 2014 8:49 AM

    Naomi,

    I just imagine you as a young Sylvia Plath. Everytime wednesday comes around i’m excited because i feel through your diary entries i can be closer to her.
    Your observant, critical, detached yet involved way of writing about your experiences and your country/city living angst just draws so many parallels for me with her :)

    I mean this in the best way possible, as in you can just tell you were made to write and use your own experiences to create your art,

    Charlie x

    • Naomi April 12th, 2014 8:02 AM

      Thank you so so much Charlie, that is a comparison I am not worthy of! But your comment is very touching, you the best xxxxxxxx

      • 3LL3NH April 17th, 2014 1:51 AM

        I can see this comparison very well.

  • 3LL3NH April 17th, 2014 1:52 AM

    That’s hard, Ruby. Beautifully said.

  • elektraheart April 17th, 2014 10:51 PM

    I know people like you, Britney. Wow.