Dear Diary

April 9, 2014

Can’t stop changing all the time.

Naomi

I’d never lived with people until six months ago. I suppose closeness is dangerous. I thought I had bonded with certain people and that we would undoubtedly be friends for the rest of lives (maybe we still will be). I was so sure that I was on steady ground that any little conflict was bound to rattle me.

It is group ethics. The grouping of people to make them appear and feel stronger, and therefore less accountable. I have always been somewhat envious of that tight-knit-group mentality, but I am a drifter at heart, a social floater, and always will be.

Something that Anais Nin said struck me the other day: “We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.”

I have a constant desire for things to not remain the same. I want to integrate different aspects of different personalities into my life. Everyone has something unique to give, and different reasons to appreciate them as a friend and person. And because there are so many parts of me, and so many parts of every one of us, it makes sense that we would find those similarities in lots of different people, and not be tied down to one small clique.

It is strange these social groups aren’t chosen, or declared, but just kind of happen. I’ve observed them from afar for years, somewhat jealous of the bind that ties them together and lets hardly anyone else in.

But I don’t want to be stuck in a group, I don’t want group claustrophobia. When I spent a lot of the time with the flat after Christmas, I felt almost obliged to be with them and guilty to spend time elsewhere. That is not the right situation for me. I need breaks from people. Healthy, for me, is not to spend all my time with one small group of people. I don’t imagine that would be healthy for anyone.

I rearrange my uni room every so often. I change the colour of my hair way too often. I can’t settle. I have to keep changing and moving. That is why I love trains so much, and the trip is often my favourite part of going anywhere: the state of moving. It is an undefined state. I can’t just be. I imagine my life flowing ahead of me and the people in it will be constantly shifting, and the places I go will have to change to prevent me from going mad. Perpetual travel. Anything else is suffocating. ♦

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10 Comments

  • weareallmadhere April 9th, 2014 7:38 PM

    I love all of your diary entries every week! They are very relatable to me! thanks for sharing your stories!

  • Eileen April 9th, 2014 8:22 PM

    Britt- may I call you Britt~
    This is so frustrating to read. I find myself thinking, “Why does she do that? She’s an amazing, talented, beautiful person.” And then I’m like…”Why do I never say this for me?”

  • Viaperson April 9th, 2014 8:58 PM

    Naomi – I feel like you’re writing down my own thoughts – I am so excited for the summer, to travel and be alone and meet new people far away, mostly because I feel SO trapped by the itsy bitsy social group I find myself in here at uni. I love my friends but I hate feeling that my association with them is beginning to define my personality, because that’s so limiting and, you know, inside I feel so EXPANSIVE(!!). We are so many people all at once!! thanks for writing down what I wish I could say. <3

  • doikoon April 9th, 2014 9:01 PM

    Instead of “do not, do not, do not” try “I am, I am, I am”. Your a fucking poet, write I am poems in your head.

    –j

  • honorarygilmoregal April 9th, 2014 9:37 PM

    I should try being a tourist in my own town. It sounds like fun!

  • Cosmo Beatrix April 11th, 2014 8:49 AM

    Naomi,

    I just imagine you as a young Sylvia Plath. Everytime wednesday comes around i’m excited because i feel through your diary entries i can be closer to her.
    Your observant, critical, detached yet involved way of writing about your experiences and your country/city living angst just draws so many parallels for me with her :)

    I mean this in the best way possible, as in you can just tell you were made to write and use your own experiences to create your art,

    Charlie x

    • Naomi April 12th, 2014 8:02 AM

      Thank you so so much Charlie, that is a comparison I am not worthy of! But your comment is very touching, you the best xxxxxxxx

      • 3LL3NH April 17th, 2014 1:51 AM

        I can see this comparison very well.

  • 3LL3NH April 17th, 2014 1:52 AM

    That’s hard, Ruby. Beautifully said.

  • elektraheart April 17th, 2014 10:51 PM

    I know people like you, Britney. Wow.