I’d never lived with people until six months ago. I suppose closeness is dangerous. I thought I had bonded with certain people and that we would undoubtedly be friends for the rest of lives (maybe we still will be). I was so sure that I was on steady ground that any little conflict was bound to rattle me.
It is group ethics. The grouping of people to make them appear and feel stronger, and therefore less accountable. I have always been somewhat envious of that tight-knit-group mentality, but I am a drifter at heart, a social floater, and always will be.
Something that Anais Nin said struck me the other day: “We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.”
I have a constant desire for things to not remain the same. I want to integrate different aspects of different personalities into my life. Everyone has something unique to give, and different reasons to appreciate them as a friend and person. And because there are so many parts of me, and so many parts of every one of us, it makes sense that we would find those similarities in lots of different people, and not be tied down to one small clique.
It is strange these social groups aren’t chosen, or declared, but just kind of happen. I’ve observed them from afar for years, somewhat jealous of the bind that ties them together and lets hardly anyone else in.
But I don’t want to be stuck in a group, I don’t want group claustrophobia. When I spent a lot of the time with the flat after Christmas, I felt almost obliged to be with them and guilty to spend time elsewhere. That is not the right situation for me. I need breaks from people. Healthy, for me, is not to spend all my time with one small group of people. I don’t imagine that would be healthy for anyone.
I rearrange my uni room every so often. I change the colour of my hair way too often. I can’t settle. I have to keep changing and moving. That is why I love trains so much, and the trip is often my favourite part of going anywhere: the state of moving. It is an undefined state. I can’t just be. I imagine my life flowing ahead of me and the people in it will be constantly shifting, and the places I go will have to change to prevent me from going mad. Perpetual travel. Anything else is suffocating. ♦