Dear Diary

April 30, 2014

Nothing lasts forever.


When I’m the sort of sad that rings in my ears and presses down on my shoulders until I’m buried deep in the earth, the walls start to melt, the ceiling starts to spin, the shadows start to dance, the wind starts to whisper.

My psychiatrist says I’m not crazy. She’s also the one who gives me the pills that still the shadows, fade the voices, and lift the sadness from my shoulders so I’m wading knee-deep instead of drowning, still slow but looking almost normal.

My therapist says I have a sickness and they’re not sure what it is, but certainly part of it is depression. My papers for my first hospital stay read “major depression w/o psychosis” and the most recent say “bipolar disorder w/ psychosis.” The one in between is different, too, but I don’t remember what that one says.

I leak sadness into the people around me. He holds me and says he feels like I am his responsibility. I don’t want to be a burden, but he makes it hard to leave. ♦


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  • atticus April 30th, 2014 8:34 PM

    The link for Ruby’s article is broken – it takes me to Britney’s article

    • Anaheed April 30th, 2014 8:43 PM

      Oops! Fixing it now. Thank you!

  • internalbeautyx April 30th, 2014 10:16 PM

    Lovely diaries, everyone.

  • honorarygilmoregal May 1st, 2014 12:55 AM

    I wish I could take all you diarists and wrap you up in a big hug. <3

  • erinxo May 1st, 2014 2:22 AM

    Marah – I feel the exact same way as you about my mother and my dad died 14 years ago. I wish I could say it got better but it honestly didn’t. She is not present in our conversations and doesn’t care about my feelings or what I have to say. Last night I tried to share something personal with her but I could tell she didn’t care so I just stopped and left the room; I’m almost positive she didn’t even notice. As you said of your mother, she is a body without a soul.

  • indaslicht May 1st, 2014 5:17 PM

    is it possible to read the arabic version of marah’s entries? i’m curious to see how she writes without the translation

  • mokgadi May 2nd, 2014 6:52 AM

    Love to all of you <3

  • dragonfly May 3rd, 2014 12:22 AM

    I love you guys <3

  • VagabondZombie May 3rd, 2014 6:11 AM

    “There are 10 more weeks of school. This should matter to me, I know it should, but I can’t find it in myself to care. I’m a prisoner in my jail cell of a body, awaiting a verdict from some unknown court.”

    Britney, I feel the same way.

  • LvavaL May 4th, 2014 5:14 PM

    Wow, Marah’s entry.