Dear Diary

April 23, 2014

Happy birthday, Naomi. ♥

Britney

“In Webster’s terms, nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that’s pretty close to my definition of punk rock.” —Kurt Cobain

Sunday was my first time in a moshpit. It was at a punk rock show, with band after band until 9 PM. I have never been part of something so expressive, so violent, so full of emotion, and I loved every second of it. The rawness was more than I had ever expected; every thrash and yell and fist breaking the air felt so primal. People were flinging themselves off the stage and the amplifiers. There was endless kicking and punching. The crowd was an amoeba, charged with motion. Being thrown around every few seconds and punched and drenched in flying drinks made me remember something that I had read once: Punk doesn’t discriminate.

I felt like my body was turning my emotions into energy. To an observer, it may have looked like a series of random acts of violence, but I could feel the meaning behind everything. It was a response to the music; it was a release.

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20 Comments

  • thebrownette April 23rd, 2014 8:06 PM

    Welcome to the wonderful world of moshpits, Britney. Keep your shoes tied tight and your spirits high.

  • emseely April 23rd, 2014 8:16 PM

    Naomi!!! I love your diary and have been reading it as I grew up alongside you. thank you for sharing, and I’m hoping you’ll be writing other stuff for Rookie soon? Please?

  • die_mad April 23rd, 2014 8:25 PM

    Naomi, thank you for sharing your life with us! Your diary gave me hope that one day i’ll find my niche in the world like you’re doing. You are so brave and strong, and I feel lucky to ‘know’ you a little through these diaries.
    Please don’t leave Rookie! much love.

  • Floraposte April 23rd, 2014 8:55 PM

    Thank you, Marah, for giving me a healthy dose of perspective.

    • tasmia April 23rd, 2014 9:40 PM

      seconded. you’re in my thoughts, Marah!

  • ColoredSoft April 23rd, 2014 10:02 PM

    Happy birthday, Naomi~
    Stay strong, Marah!!!!

  • honorarygilmoregal April 23rd, 2014 11:37 PM

    Naomi, I will miss your diary entries!

  • alxwx April 23rd, 2014 11:37 PM

    Thank you so much Naomi, because your diary has given me so much hope. I’ve always been able to relate to what you’re saying because I’ve had some of the same issues, and it’s been really inspiring to see how you’ve overcome them. It gives me optimism for the future and I’ll really miss your weekly entries.

  • 3LL3NH April 24th, 2014 3:18 AM

    Marah: Hope you get there. I admire your spirit. And I love hearing about you, even though so many things are hard, because you don’t often hear about those who are swept along in revolutions, but your story matters a lot.

    Britney: I loved that quote and I loved your words, and the way you put them together. Punk has a lot of life to it, the good kind.

    Naomi: You have been beautiful. Your entries have given me hope more than anything, that something other than loneliness and being all caught up inside my own head is possible. I like your light.

    Caitlin: Socks are underrated and brilliant <3

    I didn't realize Rookie had been here that long, adding to my life. It feels like it's always been here. I'm grateful.

  • owl be there for you April 24th, 2014 8:46 AM

    Totally get the anxiety stuff (have it pretty bad myself) and so true about wanting to help others but knowing that they can only help themselves. I love this entry a lot.

  • signette April 24th, 2014 9:10 AM

    Naomi, I remember reading your first diary all the way back when Rookie was just at its very beginnings. You’re only a few months older than me, and every wednesday, on and off over time, I would read your diaries and occasionally cry with relief at how much your experiences could relate to my own. I still keep my own diaries from when I was 8 years old and unable to leave the house from anxiety, when I was 13 and racked with self-hatred, when I was 17 and discovered just how much one person could hurt another, and how lying to my therapist got me nowhere. I keep these to remind me where I came from. Last year I travelled overseas (I’m from australia) entirely alone, and this year I moved to a new city to start university alone. I am so glad life is more fun for you now too. You have seriously said so much. It is more than enough.

  • iwentfaraway April 24th, 2014 9:58 AM

    Marah, stay strong. Life takes lots of turns, and I can assure you that the things that you’re going through now are shaping you to become an even more wonderful person! Hugs from a girl in Venezuela.

  • WitchesRave April 24th, 2014 2:05 PM

    Naomi:

    I used to sneak onto Rookie during school to read the dairy entries on Thursdays in computer class, mastering how to switch from ECDL to Rookie in .7 seconds when my teacher walked by! Anyway, I was 15 and struggling with depression and anxiety, and I have to say honestly, your writing really helped me feel normal, like I had someone my age who understood what it felt like.

    Now I’m 18, and in a month I’ll have graduated secondary school, and I can wholeheartedly say I am happy and nearly anxiety-free. I too have grown so much from that girl in the computer room.

    Anyway, just wanted to say thank you and good luck for the future!

  • EmilyJn April 24th, 2014 2:22 PM

    <3 <3 <3 Love u Nome from your Erica <3 <3

  • rhymeswithorange April 24th, 2014 6:06 PM

    Naomi, I have loved reading your writing, thank you for always being so honest!

  • Viaperson April 24th, 2014 7:58 PM

    Naomi – HAPPY birthday and thank you for all the beautiful writing!!! Though I know it must be ridiculous to hear, you’ve been an inspiration, and I hope we get to keep reading your writing on Rookie.

  • Viaperson April 24th, 2014 8:01 PM

    Oh Marah, I hurt you. Your spirit is so strong and beautiful — keep your dreams in your heart and know that you are strong enough to reach them. Sending you a LOT of love from the US — you deserve all the beauty and success and joy this world has to offer <3

    • Viaperson April 24th, 2014 8:01 PM

      OOPS – i meant “I hurt for you”! Hahaha sorry all.

  • Tavi April 25th, 2014 12:18 PM

    Oh Naomi, this has me in tears. It’s so weird to remember your first email and so wondrous to think about everything that’s happened since then…dragging this into my “faith in life + love” folder BTW. Love you.

  • amanda April 27th, 2014 2:50 AM

    I’m really gonna miss Naomi’s diaries! I related to her a lot. Hope she keeps writing for Rookie :)