Dear Diary

April 2, 2014

Evening our keels.

Britney

Spring break is almost here and for once I feel whole. I have plans, I have people that I love that I can spend my time with, I have myself. I don’t feel as unfulfilled as I did before, and everything seems to be reflecting that. Everything that I want to do seems to be more purposeful now. I used to feel lost in the world, in my mind—and while that hasn’t completely stopped, it hasn’t made me feel like life is being wasted on me. I like feeling wanted, especially when the person fueling that desire is myself.

There are so many emotions flowing through me that I just want to capture them all in piles of mixtapes and playlists that I make copies of for my best friends and in poems and in the chicken-scratch phrases that I write in the corners of all of my notebooks. I feel more in control of my life, and less like a bystander on an aimless path. ♦

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20 Comments

  • sungiant April 2nd, 2014 7:57 PM

    Ruby i’m so glad you can think that way about your body now!! it is such a great feeling to be able to not think so much about food and body. <3

  • janevtiamat April 2nd, 2014 8:31 PM

    “My body is a spaceship…” That line is so wonderful, and it makes me feel so good about myself. Thank you!

  • vintagebarbie April 2nd, 2014 9:00 PM

    I love how much you opened up about this. As someone recovering from an eating disorder, I really connected with it.
    http://howfittingblog.blogspot.com

  • everything-intransit April 2nd, 2014 9:18 PM

    I connected with the last one on a exponential level. thank you

  • krevlorneswath April 2nd, 2014 10:12 PM

    Caitlin, I always love your work! Where do you get materials? I love collaging but can’t always find things to collage with.

    • Caitlin H. April 4th, 2014 2:13 PM

      Hey you!! I get a lot of images from old magazines like national geographic, weird books (look in charity shops/the houses of the elderly) (i found my nat geo’s in the back of my nan’s wardrobe). collect random bits of paper, people from leaflets, be on the lookout all the time!

  • honorarygilmoregal April 2nd, 2014 11:22 PM

    “I realized that the people who love me, which is what matters most, love me without taking my body into consideration.”

    Probably my favorite line from Ruby’s entry <3

    Have an awesome spring break, Britney!

  • rhymeswithorange April 3rd, 2014 12:00 AM

    Happy for you, Ruby!!
    I used to be very critical of my body too, in middle school. I gradually stopped weighing myself and being harsh on my body. The entire thing for me was solidified when Tavi wrote that, by not thinking about being skinny all the time, your mind is free to think about SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.

  • TessAnnesley April 3rd, 2014 2:50 AM

    Everything Ruby writes gives me so many feelings

  • Christie April 3rd, 2014 4:31 AM

    these are so real and coherent and they make me happy.

  • Shanlew April 3rd, 2014 7:11 AM

    These are all so relevant as usual. Naomi I was in a similar situation with housemates I could not stand for what sounds like similar reasons so I moved myself out of there on Monday and feel so much better than I thought was possible a week ago and stronger now too. What you wrote about London is so incredibly true and I really miss it.

  • Pattymafu April 3rd, 2014 10:48 AM

    So Glad for you Ruby! I feel identified with everything you write! xx

  • mangointhesky April 4th, 2014 6:27 PM

    All of these were so good. I always feel inspired to start a diary after reading Rookie’s diaries, but somehow I never seem to get around to doing it. *-*

    http://theneonpapaya.blogspot.com

  • K8 is Gr8 April 4th, 2014 11:45 PM

    I am sososo very happy for all of you!

  • Berries April 5th, 2014 8:15 AM

    Naomi you are my lost twin-sister I swear. Living with roommates can be very hard sometimes and I had my fair share of diappointment and fuckery. I tend to feel that I am not really on the same page anymore with my roommates, for several reasons. I will move to a room at the end of the corridor within a month. This will not fix everything but some of my biggest problems will be partly solved by doing that.
    but really of course I need to move out. But I still love them. Or I just love company you know?

  • Berries April 5th, 2014 8:19 AM

    ”the shit I’ve gone through has made me quite good at not taking any shit.”

    This really made me think because I still haven’t figured out how to do that.

  • EmJ April 5th, 2014 2:15 PM

    Thanks to Ruby so much
    And congratulations

  • aichalechat April 6th, 2014 8:48 AM

    naomi will you marry me ?

  • Faith April 6th, 2014 12:53 PM

    Ruby, that was beautiful and inspiring and so, so brave.

  • Aurora April 13th, 2014 4:52 PM

    Ruby, thank you so much.

    I’ve always loved your posts on here; we’re the same age and you remind me a lot of myself.

    I’ve always had unhealthy eating habits, and after a few years of binging and purging and exercising obsessivley, I managed to stop. A few weeks ago, I redownloaded a really triggering app (for me anyways) that helps you count calories.

    After reading your post, I went and deleted it again.

    You’re an inspiration and I’m extremely proud of you.