Dear Diary

April 2, 2014

Evening our keels.

Naomi

It wasn’t until I’d been on the train for half an hour that I regretted not embracing Erica when we said goodbye. But by then I was an hour from London and it would have been silly to go back just for a hug. She was coming to visit me in four days, anyway, so I thought about that and smiled.

When my friendships with my roommates started to fall apart and left me in a state of shock, Erica let me sleep in her bed. I curled up on the end like a dog, unable to sleep. I heard the dull thuds, footsteps, and muffled singing of a few of my flatmates above. I could imagine it all, but it all felt very far away. I felt like a muffled human. Wary of waking Erica, I tried not to take up too much space in her bed. Even in the midst of shaky sleep, I was trying to compress my body into as tight a ball as possible, until I was jolted awake by a sensation of unsteadiness. I caught myself just before I fell completely off Erica’s bed. Desperate to stretch out my limbs and to catch some actual sleep, I went upstairs.

Upon entering my flat, I heard sex noises I really didn’t want to hear and felt numb. I fell into bed and listened to the birds—a pure noise, a comforting sound—and tried to drown out everything else. I wrote a poem about loving myself when the thing I wanted to do the most was hate myself. Hate myself into nonexistence. But I resisted. I survived. And I knew that when it was morning, I could hand in an essay and go to a seminar and see Erica.

On my walk to the library to print my essay, I felt the least confident I have felt for a long time. I avoided every person’s gaze, wishing not to be seen. But I knew I would get past that moment, that it would soon be over. I knew that it was a passing phase and my confidence would soon return. The kind of confidence that makes me run and sing in the street at night and be able to look people right in the eye. Most of the time, anyway.

Then I accidentally dyed my hair a dun brown, but it was all right, because I needed to feel a different person. Erica and I hopped on the Tube and went to the Martin Creed exhibition at the Hayward Gallery, which was crazy and in-your-face and very distracting. Then we walked by the Thames, past the London Eye. Big Ben chimed and the House of Parliament lit up. There is something about walking through London that makes everything seem better. It’s impossible to feel like life isn’t worth living.

Now I am home and I am really fine. Better than I ever thought I could be. I feel more tempered, more aware of life’s pitfalls, perhaps. But pretty much happy, ’cause the shit I’ve gone through has made me quite good at not taking any shit. ♦

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20 Comments

  • sungiant April 2nd, 2014 7:57 PM

    Ruby i’m so glad you can think that way about your body now!! it is such a great feeling to be able to not think so much about food and body. <3

  • janevtiamat April 2nd, 2014 8:31 PM

    “My body is a spaceship…” That line is so wonderful, and it makes me feel so good about myself. Thank you!

  • vintagebarbie April 2nd, 2014 9:00 PM

    I love how much you opened up about this. As someone recovering from an eating disorder, I really connected with it.
    http://howfittingblog.blogspot.com

  • everything-intransit April 2nd, 2014 9:18 PM

    I connected with the last one on a exponential level. thank you

  • krevlorneswath April 2nd, 2014 10:12 PM

    Caitlin, I always love your work! Where do you get materials? I love collaging but can’t always find things to collage with.

    • Caitlin H. April 4th, 2014 2:13 PM

      Hey you!! I get a lot of images from old magazines like national geographic, weird books (look in charity shops/the houses of the elderly) (i found my nat geo’s in the back of my nan’s wardrobe). collect random bits of paper, people from leaflets, be on the lookout all the time!

  • honorarygilmoregal April 2nd, 2014 11:22 PM

    “I realized that the people who love me, which is what matters most, love me without taking my body into consideration.”

    Probably my favorite line from Ruby’s entry <3

    Have an awesome spring break, Britney!

  • rhymeswithorange April 3rd, 2014 12:00 AM

    Happy for you, Ruby!!
    I used to be very critical of my body too, in middle school. I gradually stopped weighing myself and being harsh on my body. The entire thing for me was solidified when Tavi wrote that, by not thinking about being skinny all the time, your mind is free to think about SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.

  • TessAnnesley April 3rd, 2014 2:50 AM

    Everything Ruby writes gives me so many feelings

  • Christie April 3rd, 2014 4:31 AM

    these are so real and coherent and they make me happy.

  • Shanlew April 3rd, 2014 7:11 AM

    These are all so relevant as usual. Naomi I was in a similar situation with housemates I could not stand for what sounds like similar reasons so I moved myself out of there on Monday and feel so much better than I thought was possible a week ago and stronger now too. What you wrote about London is so incredibly true and I really miss it.

  • Pattymafu April 3rd, 2014 10:48 AM

    So Glad for you Ruby! I feel identified with everything you write! xx

  • mangointhesky April 4th, 2014 6:27 PM

    All of these were so good. I always feel inspired to start a diary after reading Rookie’s diaries, but somehow I never seem to get around to doing it. *-*

    http://theneonpapaya.blogspot.com

  • K8 is Gr8 April 4th, 2014 11:45 PM

    I am sososo very happy for all of you!

  • Berries April 5th, 2014 8:15 AM

    Naomi you are my lost twin-sister I swear. Living with roommates can be very hard sometimes and I had my fair share of diappointment and fuckery. I tend to feel that I am not really on the same page anymore with my roommates, for several reasons. I will move to a room at the end of the corridor within a month. This will not fix everything but some of my biggest problems will be partly solved by doing that.
    but really of course I need to move out. But I still love them. Or I just love company you know?

  • Berries April 5th, 2014 8:19 AM

    ”the shit I’ve gone through has made me quite good at not taking any shit.”

    This really made me think because I still haven’t figured out how to do that.

  • EmJ April 5th, 2014 2:15 PM

    Thanks to Ruby so much
    And congratulations

  • aichalechat April 6th, 2014 8:48 AM

    naomi will you marry me ?

  • Faith April 6th, 2014 12:53 PM

    Ruby, that was beautiful and inspiring and so, so brave.

  • Aurora April 13th, 2014 4:52 PM

    Ruby, thank you so much.

    I’ve always loved your posts on here; we’re the same age and you remind me a lot of myself.

    I’ve always had unhealthy eating habits, and after a few years of binging and purging and exercising obsessivley, I managed to stop. A few weeks ago, I redownloaded a really triggering app (for me anyways) that helps you count calories.

    After reading your post, I went and deleted it again.

    You’re an inspiration and I’m extremely proud of you.