Dear Diary

March 5, 2014

Streams of self-consciousness.

Britney

Everything feels dull. I’m obligated to do so many things that I don’t want to do. I feel like I’m whining right now and I hate that but there is no other way to put it. I don’t want to be in this city right now; I am constantly stifled by the concrete, the mess, the guilt of having so many opportunities and wasting them.

The one thing I miss the most, the one thing that might help—even if only slightly—is writing. I write these diaries and I write for school. But I don’t write for myself anymore. I went from short stories to poems about myself to poems about others to nothing. I don’t even know where to start. I could write about myself again, but for some reason that feels selfish now, and I’ve forgotten how to craft lives of other people.

I can’t tell if all of this is because I feel too much or because there is oblivion where so many of my emotions used to reside. I tell myself that it’s both, and I call it a day. ♦

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4 Comments

  • Rhiannon March 5th, 2014 7:40 PM

    Dear Naomi,

    When I first got to uni (I’ve left now, long story, but I’m going back) I felt exactly the same – I wanted to fit in but at the same time be my own person and have people around me who would pick me up every time I was down like my family would, but a lot of the time I found that most girls around me on my corridor had their own shit to deal with, and frankly a lot of it seemed more serious than mine. That made me question whether I had the right to be sad at all and occasionally whether they cared, which they did, but at uni everyone goes into it initially alone and in the long run, you need to deal with things on your own. I’ve realised this now and it took a while. I also agree with your comment about your parents being the people who understand you the most – old friends are somewhat distant, new friends are quite, well, new and parents are fab. Mine work a lot so I often end up wanting to talk to them all evening and at some point they have to break the news that they’re making a cuppa and going to bed.

    How do you find studying in London?
    Is it as expensive as everyone thinks it is?

    http://rhiangle.blogspot.co.uk

  • jestoon425 March 5th, 2014 9:07 PM

    Naomi – As a fellow anxiety sufferer, and someone who just overcame his third extended “rough period,” I would just like to say what an incredibly brave young woman you are. As someone who deals with it daily, I know how difficult functioning normally, and coping with day-to-day stresses, that would normally be mangageable, can be. I don’t know the extent of your anxiety, but it sounds like it got pretty bad. I know how it makes you feel like quitting. Don’t. The best way to deal with anxiety, is to force yourself to push through it (though im sure you know this already). I know this sounds cliched, but when youre having a panic attack, just remind yourself “This soon will pass” in your head. It always passes eventually
    I wish you all the best,
    Sincerely,
    Jesse

  • strawberryhair March 6th, 2014 1:53 PM

    Caitlin, your diary is so beautiful and I really relate to it. I guess the good thing about growing up is that you can identify more fully with other characters? <3

  • crapbag March 9th, 2014 5:54 AM

    Wow Naomi, your piece really hits home for me and especially this week!!
    Last year I decided to move to another city by myself to study, and it turned out to be pretty great, heck I thought I’d almost seen the last of my anxiety. I decided at the end of last year, after the great victory of somewhat overcoming my anxiety, I’d move to another, bigger city, with a more challenging, yet rewarding degree. However Mr. anxiety has reared his ugly head again to remind me I don’t own shit and I’m not in control.
    It’s gotten to a point where I feel I have to leave and maybe sort myself out before continuing on my journey. This has led me to justify to everyone (and myself a bit, I suppose) that anxiety isn’t my fault, I can’t always control it and no.1 (you totally hit it on the head!!!) it isn’t a fleeting emotion everyone gets, it’s like a full time job.
    Even though leaving feels like giving up (and no one feels the sting of failure more than someone with anxiety) but I think it might be the best thing for me, to tackle my anxiety in a more relaxed environment where I have support if I need it. Hopefully later on this year, or next I’ll continue my study, with maybe more confidence and better ways to deal with my anxiety. Sorry for the long spiel, was just somewhat relieved to hear someone relates with me.
    Also, good on you Naomi, you should be totally proud of yourself!!! It’s a big, scary thing for anyone, let alone, someone with anxiety. I hope things start to get easier for you soon!!