My life is stagnant these days, but that gives me hope in a strange way. I feel like it’s giving me room to finally think of ways to pull myself out of the hole I’ve been in.
Friday was the first time in a long time that I truly felt something. My friends and I were all walking up the street and they were doing so many things that I hated simultaneously, and all the anger and primitive thoughts inside of me rose up like bile and stuck in my throat. The sun’s warmth surrounded me and the sadness that so many people read as passivity melted away. The only thing I wanted to do was attack something. I wanted to destroy everything that was fueling my anger. The oddest part was, I couldn’t get enough of this feeling. It was the farthest from numb that I had felt in forever. It was as though, in that moment, I became real.
I don’t feel sad anymore. I can’t tell how I feel exactly, but it is not the hopelessness that I had before. ♦